Seeking Him

New Blog

2009-03-26T08:48:00.000-07:00

Hey guys, I know it's been awhile...but the truth is, I feel like, at least for now, that God is asking me to stop this blog and begin one with Ryan...so I hope you will join me over there.

http://christopherclan.wordpress.com/

What's New???

2009-01-11T16:30:00.000-08:00

So, I know that it's been awhile. We have been so busy around here. Things are going so good. Morgan is getting so big....it's by far the neatest thing now b/c we can have conversations with her. We dialogue, she tells us she misses us every day when she sees us after work, she tells us she loves us. This is the best part of parenting.

Although, I have two funny stories a/b Morgan to tell. I thought about not sharing b/c it implicates me, but it's funny. One night we were eating dinner and I nailed my knee on the kitchen table and I said "oh shit". It killed....anyways, Morgan says "oh shit" to which we don't say anything. So fast forward a few weeks, we don't hear her say it anymore...I think we got away with it, or at least I did. Then this morning the four of us are laying in bed and Morgan passes gas, she says "I tooted, Oh shit". Ryan rolls over b/c he's dying laughing. So later on I am in my room in getting ready for church and Morgan wanted to go see Ryan b/c she usually goes with him to church early but he was preaching today so she stayed home with me. anyways, so I told her you have to get your socks and shoes on then we can go. Well, she was having a hard time doing it but it was keeping her busy so I let her have at it. Well, all of a sudden I hear her screaming "Oh shit, oh shit" over and over. I tell her to come in to my room and I said "Morgan Grace, that is a naughty word you cannot say that" she looks at me real serious and says "oh shit" but she poses it as a question, well it makes me laugh like Im 5 and then she's laughing and we just kept going back and forth like this as I tell her that's naughty.

Speaking of the word "oh shit" that's what we were thinking when we found out a/b this...

However, after the intial shock wore off, we have found that we are extremely happy about adding to our family this July...and more so, we are so blessed. We do not take the gift of life for granted one bit, so we are anxiously awaiting the arrival of this little guy.

Levi...is the sweetest child. He is so laid back that he makes it so easy to have two kids under 2 and he's so easy that it makes it easy to embrace the fact that we will have three children two and under. He sleeps well, he eats great, I can sit him in the middle of the floor and he will play for hours all by himself. He is crawling now and in fact he's been pulling himself up. He definately wants to walk, so he's just paving the way for Baby three. And his first word: Momma :) He's a momma's boy by far. Everyday when I go to pick him up at my grandma's, he gets so excited to see me that he shakes his little fists and then he'll pull my hair to pull my face to his and he just kisses all over me. I love it....

So, that's the scoop w/ us....we are selling our house...clearly we need something bigger now...so please pray for us there.

I'll be in touch soon.........

Morgan

2008-11-11T18:08:00.001-08:00

As Morgan continues to grow, so do the stories!

1) The thing that warms my heart the most is she likes to pray. When dinner is put on her plate, she instantly says "let's pray" and proceeds to say "God is great, amen". She also knows that mommy will never say no to prayer. and this includes bed time. so sometimes, as a stall static, I get "let's pray" a/b 50 times. so my prayer goes something like this "dear God, please knock Morgan out, amen" I don't want to ever get on her a/b prayer. she's too young right now for me to explain to her that I know what she's doing.

2) Morgan is obsessed w/ "poopy in the potty" and things like that. Ryan gives the kids their baths. lately he's been giving them baths together. when he does this, he gets in the tub w/ them and puts on his bathing suit. after we got back from san diego, he couldn't find it so he just thru on mesh shorts. when he got in, the water put the shorts right against him if u know what I mean. morgan grabbed his package and said "dadda, you poopy".

3) one morning I was getting ready and I thought she was in the living room. i took off my robe and was bending over to get underwear, morgan stuck her finger right in my butthole! I a/b died.

She cracks us up. she's very dramatic. i have no idea where she gets that stuff from. but she is truly just a joy.

2008-10-31T18:26:00.000-07:00

This past week we made our way to California. The best man in our wedding got married in a small town a/b an hour and half outside of San Diego. So we made our way to Brawley for the weekend and then we headed back and spent a few days in the San Diego area. The kids did great on both flights. The wedding was beautiful. And the time away was just what we needed at the perfect time. We went to the San Diego Zoo and we walked the beach. Morgan got a kick out of walking on the beach. At first she didn't know what to think, but once she got the hang of it, she dug it. Ryan's sister and her husband joined us to be our Nannies and Lisa met us out there as well.
While we were out there Ryan celebrated his birthday. Originally I was going to take Ryan on a helicopter ride at sunset over Hollywood, but once we got there we decided not to make the 2 hour trip to la b/c the travel was a little hard on the kids. They had a hard time sleeping and what not w/o us there so we weren't comfortable with being so far away. Anyways, so instead we went kayaking in the Pacific Ocean in La Jolla. Let me just give an recap of our time out there. Not even a minute after we get out there I see a wave breaking and I know that we are going over. The kicker though...as I see the wave peaking I can see at least seven sharks in the break. But there was nothing that we could do. I don't think I could ever adequetly explain how fast we got back into the kayak. After we were back in the kayak and we meet back up w/ everyone we look down and notice that there are hundreds of sharks. Umm..they failed to mention that we'd be kayaking in their mating ground...literally. They were only leopard sharks and they said that they don't eat humans, but dude, a shark is a shark. But it was so beautiful out there. La Jolla is gorgeous. We kayaked right in front of Dr. Seuss's house. Pretty neat.
So, the trip was great! The kids did good. But I know that they are happy to be home. As soon as we got home Morgan ran straight to her room and showed everyone her bed. So now we are back at home and settling back into the daily grind.
The kids are doing really well. Now that we are in a groove it's actually pretty easy. I hate to say that b/c I know that at any given moment things could change, but for this moment, we are doing really well. Our kids are friends. It's sweet. They are always holding hands. Morgan is growing up so fast. It's so crazy that I can hold a conversation w/ her now. She's a riot. We say Morgan, tell us a story and she will easily go on a 20 minute tirade. She slaps her knee like an old man and just cracks up. She's a handful, but man, I love her zeal. Levi is five months now and he's laid back as ever. He has just started to sit up and I find that I am not so eager for milestones to be met w/ him. But boy, he's trying to keep up w/ his sister...but he's not nearly as vocal as she was. I don't know that we could handle two chatty cathy's!
Life is good. God is even better and I can't wait until the day that I get to see Him face to face!

Mom's..I need some advice

2008-10-13T06:46:00.000-07:00

Hey mom's. I need some advice. In less than two weeks we will be flying to California. We have traveled with Morgan prior to Levi's birth and she was great. The concern I have at this point however is that one, she's extremely mobile now, two, she's a huge talker, and three, she hates to sit still. So...any advice for our trip? Suggestion, tips, etc..we're desperate..and we're trying to avoid making the news...You know, couple asked to exit plane...
thanks!

Random Thoughts

2008-09-30T18:42:00.000-07:00

1) I love having my son. He's so laid back and just entirely too happy! He's always smiling and laughing. He's just learned that full on belly laugh like an old man. I love it.

2) The night before Levi was born, we got Morgan to sleep and then Ryan crashed. I took the time to lay there and spend some alone time w/ God and just stare at my family of three. That night, I laid in bed and I cried...I could not possibly fathom how I would be able to love another child the way I loved my daughter. I couldn't believe that my heart is capable of that. I also cried b/c giving birth is very bittersweet for me. I love that God has blessed me with the ability to carry children. I do not take that for granted. Going through that whole process has taught me more about God than I ever could dream of. There are few moments in my life that I will be able to carry life inside of me, so I wept...

3) My daughter is entirely too grown up for her little age. If you have met her, then you will be able to envision the story that I am a/b to tell you...she loves boys. Too much. It's almost scary. She will play with girls, but she won't hug them or anything..boys on the other hand, she wants to either hug them or sit in their lap. Anyways, so the other night she is outside and she sees some little boys...they are coming towards her and she proceeds to throw her paci out of her mouth unto the ground...then she says "oh no" and shakes herself from side to side...just envision a grown woman shaking her boobs..yeah, that's my kid.

4) This one I am not too proud of, but for the record, it was 2 in the morning, so I think I should get a reprieve. Morgan woke up so I went to her room to get her. Her and Levi have their own small hallway and in b/w is their bathroom. Well we got a gate up in the hallway area so that Morgan can get up, but she can't leave right..so I go and I get her, I climb over the gate, I climb back w/ her..after I got back over I realized that I had left her paci, so I go to climb back over all the while I am carrying her...well this time I nail the gate and it crashed loudly..fearing I just woke my son up, I say "shit". Morgan, who I thought was back to sleep, quietly says "shit". So, not wanting to make a big deal out of it b/c then I know that she will proceed to say it all the time, I just ignore it.

5) I just need to say that I am thankful for Ryan. He continues to model Jesus for me daily. He is by far the most humble man I know. it is through his actions that I am able to grow deeper and deeper in my faith b/c he continues to honor and serve the Lord in such strong ways that I can only sit in awe of. It is in those simple things that he does, that no one sees except for his family, that makes me understand not only his love for me, but his love for Jesus.

Pictures

2008-09-01T18:24:00.000-07:00

Hey, quick post...I wanted to show some of the pictures that we just had taken...Morgan was less than cooperative...all she wanted to do was "rock a bye"...rock in a rocking chair...Enjoy.....

2008-08-28T07:42:00.000-07:00

A few things...
1) Things with Njavwa have been going well. She's doing so good considering that she just lost her son a little over a month ago. Her faith in God has been unwavering. Her trust has been inspiring. We got to spend the weekend together last weekend at Women of Faith. It was good to be there period, but more special that she went with us. Please continue to pray for her and her husband Terry. She desperately wants another baby (she does recognize that her desire probably is from the fact that she lost her son) but she is ready but he is not. He is afraid. So please pray for them both.
2) Ryan's sister Lynda and I started a business. It's a catering and cakes business. So, if you, or someone that you know is in need..please pass along our info. We would greatly appreciate it. Here is the link to our website
christopherjonescatering.com

Thanks!

Another Lesson

2008-08-14T19:20:00.000-07:00

During my pregnancy with Levi, I was blessed to walk that road with many women during the same time. At my job, a few of my friends were pregnant too. We were all due a few weeks apart. On a side note, one of my co-workers, my partner at work, confessed to me at the end of last summer, probably at the end July or so I would say last year, that she had been struggling with infertility for over eight years. She felt that God was punishing her and she gave up trying. She was 38 at the time. So, we began to pray together and low and behold, she was pregnant about a month later. She gave birth to her daughter exactly one week prior to me giving birth to Levi. She often joked and said that I was praying so hard for her, that God gave me Levi too. I now have a picture of baby Kloe on our prayer board...she will forever be a living example of the power of prayer. Anyways, back to my story. There was another co worker that was due at the beginning of July. Her name is Njawva, (pronounced like Java) I could have learned much from her..she is so free spirited. I am sometimes too serious. I often see the world as dark, suffering and my heart is often breaking. She was never like that. She was always so happy and...it just aggravated me! She was expecting her first child, a son too. Out of everyone, we were the only ones having boys. Anyways, my first morning back to work I learned she had given birth to her son the morning prior....stillborn. She was three weeks overdue and he passed. To say my heart broke is an understatement. My mind raced to all the opportunities missed. Doesn't it always when things like this happen though. So, I sat there...for hours...my heart breaking for her. I called her..not knowing what to say...or not to say. She said that they just needed prayer and she asked if I would have Ryan call her husband. She said that he needed a male perspective in this and since he's a pastor, she thought that would be even better. So, those two have been forming a relationship. She just recently came back to work, she said she couldn't sit at home one more day...anyways, she has extended such grace to me. Even in her time of pain. I think often to times that I was short w/ her, that I was flat out rude and wouldn't make eye contact w/ her...here she comes to me, of all people looking for comfort...I know that this has absolutely nothing to do with me. I know that God's hand is in this and that He is at work. To say that I have been humbled is an understatement.
Ryan and I are meeting with this couple this weekend..we wanted to take them out to eat..and they insist on cooking for us and "entertaining" us. They just lost their boy, their first born and they desire to entertain us! Imagine that...
Please pray for us as we embark on this journey with them.

Will you pray with me?

2008-08-03T21:40:00.000-07:00

I have a confession. Sometimes I doubt God's ability to change hearts. This hit me this morning while we were in church singing the song "Mighty to Save" by Hillsong. I have this song on my ipod and have listened to it hundreds of times. However, this morning I was struck by these words: "He can move the mountains, My God is mighty to save." At that moment I began to feel tears enter my eyes and I was quickly reminded of words that I spoke days ago.
Let's rewind...have you ever been given a burden by the Lord? Has He ever sent people into your life and you can't explain the need that you have to just pray for them? There have been people in my life that I know I should pray for, but I just can't. There have been people that I want a burden for, but there just isn't one. And then there are people that God has burdened me with and I don't understand it. I am a total why person...I've racked my brain. In the end, I have come to accept the fact that I probably won't understand on this side of heaven. With that said...three years ago I found myself hemoraging from a procedure that I had done to remove some cancerous cells from my cervix. I went to the hospital not once, not twice, but three times. Finally on the third visit I got Dr. C and she was able to sew up my cervix. The morning was Easter and it was Ryan's first Easter service as a worship leader. Obviously I had to stay home and I told him to just go and lead the service and then come back for me and we could go again to the hospital. (the dr's at this point were thinking I may have some blood disorder b/c they couldn't get my blood to clot to stop the bleeding) So I found myself alone for some time and I spent the morning on my knees before the Lord. Pleading..begging...and asking why so many times. There was this moment where I felt that He was saying that there was purpose in this...and I trusted that was so. So, I go to the hospital yet again. I get some fluids b/c of the blood loss and eventually they bring Dr. C to see me. We had never met prior to this. I remember that when we met her that there was a feeling that we knew her. She had left to call up to the lab to have some more tests ran and I told Ryan that she was going to deliver our babies...odd now that I think back to it...I had known her for merely a few minutes. So she came and fixed me and I got her info to see her in the future at some point. I never thought a/b it again to be honest and then a few months later I wound up pregnant with Morgan. So I spent my pregnancy with Dr. C and towards the end of the pregnancy God started to burden my heart but I didn't understand why. At this point, I did not know she was hindu. She went to Houston Baptist Univ so I guess I just assumed that she was a Christian. So we had Morgan and then all of a sudden we are pregnant again with Levi. See my earlier posts for the ways that God moved in my heart through her. Anyways, so I was telling Ryan the other night that there was no way that Dr C and her husband would be saved. You see, they are like hard core hindu. He sits on the board of the US Hindu Assoc or something like that. They are so anal a/b what they eat (hindus are vegans) that they don't accept food from people or eat out b/c they are terrified that it has eggs in it. Anyways, so as we sang this morning I was reminded of what I said. God can change their hearts. He can save them if He chooses to. No tradition can stop God.
So, will you pray with me? For Dr C and her husband and two boys? I can't help but think that if they see the truth that many others will follow in their footsteps. I may not get to see the fruits of these prayers, I hope I do, but I pray and believe that I will see her on the other side. I pray with all that is in me that she finds our Savior. Please pray for her...and her family. I know God has burdened my heart for a reason and I won't give up and stop praying.

Catch Up

2008-07-31T20:10:00.000-07:00

The last month has just flown by. It's hard to believe. Levi is 10 weeks tomorrow. I can't believe how fast it all has gone. He is interacting with us now, talking a lot and constantly checking everything out. He's such a happy baby...he makes me smile all the time. He has an inredibly sweet disposition. He's very different than my daughter was. Not at all indicating she wasn't sweet, but she has always been very...demanding. Levi is very content..taking whatever you will give him.

Anyways, I went back to work last week...we had talked about me staying home. But we have decided that it's better for me that I go back for now. I enrolled in the alternative teaching program and will do that and get a teaching job next year. That is what makes the most sense for us b/c I wouldn't pull Morgan out of school and I def want Levi to go when he is old enough. Morgan has learned so much being there. (she's out right now, they follow arlington schools schedule) But Morgan can count...she can put sentences together. she's signing a lot. She just knows so much. She is even trying to potty train. she's ready, we just haven't been w/ having to deal with Levi. She brings us her diaper and wipes and will say "ewe". lol. it's cute. Oh, I can't believe I am just now mentioning this...a big milestone has been reached in our home...Morgan is out of our bed! I can't believe it. We have her in a toddler bed already b/c she would crawl out of her crib...yes already...so we got her bed and she's been in there. And Levi is in his room so for the first time in over a year..we've been kidless in the bed.
We went and visited the Cox's. Little Aubrey and Levi cuddled..it was cute. Here are pictures from our visit

The cute couple

The four of us

My sweet boy

This is what dinner looks like for us everynight!

Morgan's first time bowling

So proud!

A few things

2008-07-06T20:43:00.000-07:00

1) Victoria Secrets needs to card people to enter their store...and I am serious. Ryan and I were in there the other day and we saw two kids...no older than 14..picking her out an outfit..and I am not kidding. It was actually really disturbing to watch. The sad thing is that there was absolutely zero shame or embarrassment on their part. I felt dirty just watching them.

2) Ryan and I are totally meant to be parents. Friday night we stayed at the Gaylord..it was our first night away w/o kids. It was only our 2nd night away from Morgan, the first being from Levi's birth. We were totally looking at pictures of them on our camera missing them...most of our conversations were about them...we found ourselves cracking up over things that Morgan is saying and doing.

3) I have no idea what I am going to do with my daughter. She's strong willed..maybe too much so. When Ryan went to pick her up from the nursery today, one of the ladies told him that Morgan wanted her to hold her and she wouldn't (they don't hold them b/c then they all want held) and she said that Morgan got mad and threw her pacifier at her.
My daughter can give some of the dirtest looks that I have seen...and I am serious.
When she does something that she knows she shouldn't..she'll do one of two things..either she will say what she knows I am about to say and then follow the rules, but she'll either watch me with this little grin on her face and do it again or she will try to distract me and then hurry to do what she wants to do....or she will say "no no no" and try to outrun me.
She has a "fake cry" when she doesn't get what she wants..

4) Levi is doing good. I had to stop breast feeding him. Apparently he's got a really sensitive system and it didn't matter what I ate, didn't eat..he couldn't digest it well at all. At first they told us that he had developed colic, but, we soon discovered it was the breast milk. We got him a new formula and he's been perfectly fine ever since. When I stopped breast feeding Morgan, I was really sad..and I thought I would be about him as well, but after the couple of weeks that we had...seeing him content and happy again, I could care less.
He has started to interact w/ us. I actually woke Ryan up this morning at 5am b/c Levi was "talking". I feel like we rushed and missed so much of Morgan's first year that I appreciate so much more with Levi. With Morgan, I was always waiting for the next big milestone and now that I know how fast it goes, I savor every little thing with Levi.
He's still very beautiful. And I am not saying this b/c he's my kid...you can ask anyone who talked to me before Levi was born..I was telling them that white babies, particulary boys, are typically ugly..sorry, but it's true. I was trying to prepare myself for this fact so I wouldn't be disappointed, but he's anything but. He's built just like the Christopher's..it cracks me up. He has big hands, long fingers (both my kids do, they are going to make excellent piano players) and big feet. The funniest part to me of Levi is that the Christopher's all have skinny arms, legs etc. If they gain any weight, it's all in the gut..my son is no exception. He is skinny all over and then he has this belly that looks totally out of place. It's funny to me.
Levi had the morning wood this morning. I asked him nicely to put it away..I told him that his mommy didn't want to see that.

5) We've talked a/b me staying home now...but I just don't know. If I do...it won't be until the new year. I'd lose out on too much money for me to stay home b/w now and then. So, we're going to reevaluate it in the new year. If Ryan goes on staff full time in the next couple of months at the church, then I will keep working b/c the benefits that I have are just too good to lose w/ our kids being so small and he'll have a lot of flexibility at the church that it'll solve all of our problems. And..I actually like my job..and if i did stay home..i'd have to do something at least part time..i've been going crazy as it is here lately.

Well, Levi just woke up..so I better go feed him..

Dr. C

2008-06-19T20:15:00.000-07:00

If you have walked with me the last few months, you know about my ob. She practices hinduism and the visit that we confirmed that I was carrying Levi, her and I talked for well over an hour about God, our beliefs etc. It was really a great conversation. I often wondered if Levi's conception had something to do with her..if his life that we were monitoring would be used to bare witness to her. As we started the journey of Levi's life, that is what I thought. However, I think that perhaps it wasn't Dr. C that had something to learn....I think it was me. God has taught me that it's not about religion, it's about people. That's all I could see for so long with Dr. C...I never saw her, I saw her faith, her views, her beliefs. It was like I couldn't get past that..all I could see and think about was that we worshipped two different Gods. The thing is, what God has shown me is that I was with holding love...I couldn't love her b/c I didn't know her. And I didn't want too unless she came over to my camp. As time went on, my heart opened and I finally saw her. We have shared many personal conversations over the last few months. She's helped me be a better mother..a better wife..but more importantly..a better Christ follower. I have learned what loving people truly means. For so long, my heart has been closed to many people..I loved with conditions..and slowly..God used her, this hindu, to teach me how to love everyone..

I love how God uses things in ways that you never see coming..I love how He used her to teach me..when I thought I was going to be the one teaching her. I don't know if my journey with Dr. C stops here...if it just goes back to being a doctor/patient relationship b/c it's been anything but over the last year..it's been personal, it's been deep..it's been beautiful. What I do know is that I my faith has grown..I am wiser now..and for that, I will forever be grateful.

PS the picture above was taken right after Levi was born. she was just as excited as we were to hold him.

2008-06-19T07:15:00.000-07:00

2008-06-09T18:38:00.000-07:00

It never ceases to amaze me how a new born baby shifts your focus. How a baby makes you stop and realize the things that are important. It's so easy for us to get up in the daily happenings of life that we fail to stop and just take in all that God has surrounded us with. But now that I have this little boy in my arms, I am am able to smell the roses again. Having children changes you. And I honestly didn't expect the ways that I would be changed with this child. I guess because I have a child already, I didn't see it coming.
Levi has taught me that while I thought that I was fearless, he has shown me that I am not as fearless as I thought. There were a lot of things that I worried about before Levi. How are we going to do this, how are we going to do that? The things that seemed like sacrifices before we met him no longer seem like a sacrifice. Seeing your child in pain is worse than any pain that I could have. Bodily functions are no longer gross, actually I cheer for poop now! I never knew that I could love a complete stranger. My heart breaks so easily now. I'll take time for one more hug or kiss, even if it means that I will be late. Taking a shower is a luxury. I finally respect my body in ways that I never had before. Carrying children, giving birth, taught me that I have an inner strength that I never knew I had before.
We are doing really good, we're adjusting really well. Levi is an incredible baby. He is so easy. He sleeps most of the day and when he's awake he just sits there, taking everything in. He rarely cries. Even when he needs something it's more like a whimper. He is just very sweet natured. Morgan is doing better with him and with him getting attention from us. We have taught her how to help us so she feels included and she takes a lot of pride in it. The other day it was really sweet, he was laying in the crib crying and she went over to him and stuck her arm in there and just kept saying hi to him. When he cries she tries to comfort him by either hugging or kissing him or tries to give him a pacifer. It's sweet. Levi favors Ryan. It's funny b/c Morgan looks like me..from her hands to her feet, she has my features and with Levi, he has all of Ryan. Anyways, we are doing really well. We got some pix taken of Levi and of Levi and Morgan...when I get them scanned in, I'll post them.

2008-05-28T19:51:00.000-07:00

For all those that prayed for us prior and during the birth of Levi, thank you, thank you, thank you. The prayers were answered in ways that I couldn't imagine. Most of you know how difficult my delivery was with Morgan. And if you had visited me right after she was born, you would have heard me say she was going to be an only child..so as the delivery approached for Levi, I prepared myself mentally for the worst. We got into the hospital Friday morning and they got the pitosin started a little after 8 that morning. My dr said that we'd get it going and then she'd come back and break my water. Well, she was delivering babies left and right on Friday..so she didn't get back to me until a little after 2pm. She got my water broke...and then we waited. She had another patient in the hospital who had broken their water the night before..but the lady wouldn't dilate..even on the pit..so the nurse kept talking to me a/b that family, they didn't want to do a C-Section and the nurse was getting frustrated..finally she came back and said that the family agreed to the C-Section so I told her I would go ahead and take the epideral then as I was afraid if I waited that I would miss the chance to get it. So, I got it and then Levi's heart rate started to drop. So I got oxygen and just laid there. When the dr got out of the C-Section she came back to check me. I was hoping just for some progress as things had been slow going earlier and she checked and then said "Let's prepare for delivery" and I said for real..b/c I didn't think I was anywhere close. She put her gear on and said she could see his head while standing there...I had a couple of quick pushes and he was out. He was beautiful. He didn't look like I had just pushed him out at all. He looked like was a couple of days old. And his complexion was so beautiful.
Morgan got brought up and she pretty much just ignored him. Since we have gotten home, she's adjusting. For the most part, she just doesn't acknowledge him. She is now just acting like everything is normal. She is more needy now though and she was acting out a lot but she's doing better now.
We are adjusting. He is very different than she was. Morgan was always alert from the beginning..she could hold her head up from the day we brought her home. Levi on the other hand is more like a newborn. He sleeps most of the time, which is something that Morgan never did, even in the beginning. He sleeps so much that I have trouble feeding him b/c he keeps sleeping through the feeds. But, he's very sweet. When you kiss him, he'll smile. It's cute. he does have his days and nights mixed up so i am not getting much sleep, but that's okay.
Otherwise, I am good. I am cleared to start running again on Friday. I am excited about that. I ran every day with Levi, so it's going to feel so good to run w/o a baby.
Again, for those that prayed for us...thank you. It couldn't have been a better experience.

Levi

2008-05-26T20:54:00.000-07:00

Levi Ryan Christopher was born on Friday, May 23rd at 7:03pm. He weighed 7 pounds and 8 ounces and was 18 1/2 inches long. We had a great delivery and were home by Saturday evening. here are some pictures to see. When I get time, I'll post more about it all.

2008-05-19T11:41:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that May is almost over with. I remember back in September finding out that we were expecting another baby. At the time, May seemed so far away, and yet, here we are..four days shy of meeting our son. I have a lot of mixed emotions. I can still so vividly remember taking the pregnancy test..and just sitting there staring at it for what seemed like an eternity as I looked at the two lines that indicated there was indeed a baby in there. However, my heart had already known that for a week prior. The test just confirmed what I already knew what was happening. There was no sweet, surprising way of telling Ryan..I just simply picked up the phone and called him at work..I needed to tell him..I needed him to reassure me. So, I called..I told him..and he asked me where Morgan was..she was four months at the time. I told him she was sleeping. He asked me to go over and look at her and I did, and he said you see her, now know that we will love this baby just as much as we love her. I needed to hear that. So, we spent the next few weeks and even months really, not talking about it. We were so busy with Morgan and I think that we were also overwhelmed. We both needed time to process this. Over time, we have come to love our son and we are getting more and more excited about him joining us as the days go by. Morgan, even in her small capacity, has somehow understood that she is about to have a brother. We rarely said much to her about this. She figured out that something was happening to my belly. She likes to pull my shirt up and she'll kiss my belly. When we talk about Levi, she will point to my belly. Or sometimes we call him Bubba b/c she can't quite muster Levi, she leaves off the L, so it's more like evi. Anyways, the other day I took her with me to see my friend who had her baby last Thursday, as soon as we walked in, Morgan pointed to the baby and said "bubba". She kept calling the baby Bubba. Then, when we were leaving, I saw my dr and she came over and took Morgan and started talking to her. She said "next week we have a date with your brother" and Morgan says to her "bubba". It was sweet. So, for as much as I thought that she wouldn't be able to comprehend what was happening, she knows. When I tell her to go to her brother's room, she goes. It's pretty cool.
Morgan is a smart kid. She never ceases to amaze us day after day. Her vocabulary continues to grow daily and she's learning to put words together and is making small sentences. She also knows that we have to pray before we eat. She gets her little hands ready before we are even ready. It's very sweet. Then she claps and says "yeah" when we say Amen. It's very sweet. I have started asking her to do certain things, I want to know how much she understands and it's just amazing to me how much she does understand even though she can't talk back to me. She's taught me so much over the course of this past year and has made me see God in ways that I never could have before her.
Otherwise, Ryan and I are doing really well. Ryan gets to preach on June 1st. So, that's exciting for him. We have a 1500 member church...so he has a great opportunity and I am excited and very proud of him.

Happy Birthday Morgan

2008-05-08T08:29:00.000-07:00

On your first birthday I want you to know that you have come a long way, we have come a long way. Looking back, there have been so many developments over this past year. We have watched you you learn to sit up, to crawl, to stand up, and to walk. We have also watched you figure out all of your surroundings and learn how to talk. It’s been an incredible journey. It amazes me that every day we discover that we love you more today than we did yesterday. You have become the center of our world. You have become our biggest entertainment and our greatest love. You are our precious little girl that we adore more than you will ever know.
We will celebrate many more years with you God willing. But no matter how big you get, you will always be our baby. We will never forget these days..these moments. As you celebrate your first birthday, we also celebrate every first that you have made. We will never forget all those moments and long for the day that we can share them with you. Through you, God has taught us the most valuable lesson. The world teaches that we need to attain degrees, titles, salaries, and accomplishments. But once we looked closely into your eyes, the things that are truly important became clear. The title we hold will fade, and our accomplishments will be forgotten; it is the investment we make into the spiritual life of your children that will outlive you and carry on into eternity. Thank you for teaching us that.
Happy Birthday Baby. We love you very much!

8 Weeks and counting

2008-03-26T06:21:00.000-07:00

It's really hard to believe that in roughly 8 weeks we'll be holding our son. It amazes me how fast this pregnancy has flown by. I don't know if it's because we are just so busy that we rarely talk about it or if it's because I totally don't feel ready. Either way, he's coming! And we are excited. I really look forward to seeing Morgan interact with him. She points to my belly a lot and I know she understands that it has grown as she hits it and stuff. Also, we tell her all the time that Levi is in there and she will kiss my belly. I told Ryan we needed to stop telling her that though b/c at her age, everything is so literal, that she probably thinks her belly is called Levi. She is in the stage where she can identify body parts. It's cute. I didn't realize that they could understand as much as she does. I guess she's started some new things at school..when other kids are told no, she will walk over to them and tell them "no, no" and point at them. Also, when they put her in the crib yesterday, she stood up and told all the other kids that they needed to go "night, night". LOL. My daughter is bossy. She is definately going to test my patience. She understands no very well. I will watch her go towards something, she will turn a/r to see if I am watching, and then give this grin and go after the thing she knows she is not suppose to. When she sees me coming, she proceeds to get faster at whatever she is doing before I get there and then she just laughs. Even if I spank her hand or her butt, she could care less. She jsut laughs. But removing her from the scene upsets her greatly. I may have a time out kid on my hands. I have read a lot of different parenting books, some have good bits of stuff in them, others don't really. For a long time, i was adamanet I wouldn't spank Morgan this early on, but once I realized that she understood no, but continued on in her behavior, I had to. What I realized is that I my failure to discipline her was not because I was afraid it would hurt her (emotionally) I realized that I was only attempting to shelter myself. Spanking her, hurts me more than it hurts her. I hate it. And I don't do it very often. But when I do, I hate it.
Otherwise, things are going great with us. The church is still really good. I missed the Easter service (but I did catch the Good Friday service, which was great) b/c Morgan decided she didn't want to stay alone in the nursery and they dont' let them cry there for very long. Anyways, Ryan and Lisa both told me that it was a great service. Ryan said that he had to hold back tears a few different times and Lisa told me that it was the most relevant Easter service she has ever been too. She too told me that she was crying like a baby and was touched that she saw grown men crying. I am saddened that I missed it. But pray that the message touched someone who did not know Christ that morning. before I left the service to go hang out with Morgan, I looked around and what I loved seeing was the diversity. We have old people, young people. We have poeple who dress up to the 9 and we have those that clearly don't have much. We have bikers and we have different races..all in the same place, worshipping the same God. I love seeing that.

2008-03-20T08:17:00.000-07:00

There really isn't a lot to tell. We started Celebration this past week. Ryan is now offficially their Connections Pastor. We like it there a lot and look forward to all the doors that God is going to open up there. I told Ryan I feel like he's not doing enough because, so far, their expectations are so minimal. I think that they are more interested in pouring into us than seeing what we can do for them. It's really nice having that. To be in a place where their interests aren't so much a/b what we can do for them, but what they can do for us. How can they encourage our growth etc. It makes sense..I mean, we can only pour out what is coming in. So it's just nice to be sitting under that. I feel like this is going to be a huge time of growth for us. And the really cool thing is that already, people that we know are coming and telling people that they know etc. A lot of people want to be apart of what's going on there. So all in all..it's great.
Morgan, oh Morgan. She's something else. That's about all I can say. I often say that my daughter reminds me of a dog. And I mean that in a good way believe it or not. She goes through all of her "tricks" to get praise from us. It cracks me up. The funny thing is, she likes to be a comedian. She knows all the things that will illicit laughter out of you and she will do them just to get you to laugh. She's hilarious. watching her this past month has been amazing..the things she's doing and saying continue to amaze us daily. Each day, we look forward to seeing what she's come up with next. She's truly a blessing...
We are now 10 weeks out from the due date, 9 until delivery. This past week we went and did the 4d ultrasound. It was so amazing getting to see him that way. He appears to be a very gentle and sweet boy. He was sleeping when we first saw him, so the lady would push on him, have me push on him and he'd just nuzzle up even more against the placenta. There was no aggression or irriatation shown on his part. Then I had Lisa give me a piece of chocolate to try to get him awake..after I ate the little egg, a/b 2 minutes later you see him open his eyes and start to lick to taste the chocolate in the fluid, then we see him smile. It was priceless. I needed that this past week b/c while my body understands that I am about to have another child, I do not know that my heart has. Seeing him, getting a glimpse of him is just what I needed to fall in love with this little boy. While we have been excited about him coming, it's just been hard to fathom it. And it's hard to believe that I can love another child as much as I love my daughter. I know that I can and I know that I will..it's just really crazy to think about is all.
Otherwise, things are trucking along. I am done w/ my religion degree in August. And Ryan is done w/ one of his masters then too. Then he has like 8 months or so and he wraps up his MDIV. I will take masters work now that I will have that religion degree. I just don't know what yet. I have a few interests, but we'll see. I am going to take the fall off though to give me time to adjust as a mom with two kids and with the new church and what not. By the spring, I'll be itching to go back to school anyways. I think Ryan and I, for as much as we dislike the deadlines, will be one of those couples that are always in school. Although, after this for Ryan, he'll be getting his doctorate, so what I just said may change for him after he writes that dissertation!

2008-03-05T12:48:00.001-08:00

So, Morgan started school on Monday. She wasn't suppose to be able to go until she turned one, but they agreed to take her at 10 months. Anyways, we thought this would be good for her b/c she's extremely eager to learn things. She is learning a new word every 1-2 days and is doing all kinds of things. So we thought that it would be good for her to get into an environment where they teach her about God and such all day every day. Like next week she is going to be learning about God and Animals. So, anyways, that's good for her. They said she already has a little b/f named Nathan. My daughter does like boys..and I think too much. When we see boys she waves and laughs and does all kinds of things to get their attention. So I wasn't the least bit surprised when I heard this.
Her first steps were no fluke..she is taking them every day and every day she is going farther and farther. It's really neat to watch. Ryan took her to the park on Saturday and he said all she wanted to do was walk around and that if he tried to pick her up, she would get mad. She is very, very determined. Which I can just envision the battles the later on. Hopefully that determination will be put into edifying things.
Otherwise, we are 12 weeks and counting until we get to meet Levi. More like 11 b/c we are inducing in the 39th week. It's hard to believe. I think that for a long, long time I have sat in denial in this pregnancy. We are clearing out his room this weekend and getting it painted. So, we should be piecing things together here soon.

Changes

2008-02-19T12:31:00.000-08:00

This past week was about changes for the Christopher's...on the lesser change..any cool points as Ryan says that we had left are now officially gone. I traded in the explorer and we bought a mini-van. Yes..I am like a real mom now. No but seriously, it made the most sense for us right now and actually, we secretly dig it. It's pretty sweet.

And on to another change. This weekend Ryan is resigning from FTBC. We have known for sometime that God was pulling out of there, it was just a matter of when. The amazing thing about faith is that Ryan and I had decided that we knew through prayer that this was it..so we decided that he needed to resign regardless if he had another job lined up. Once he made the announcement, then God laid open doors for him to transition to another church. It's been pretty neat to see all of that unfold. We are going to be going to a church called Celebration Fellowship, here is the link..http://www.celebrationnet.com/default.html. Ryan will be their connections pastor. Basically they have grown really, really quick and they know people are falling through the cracks. It'll be Ryan's job to help connect him. He's excited about laying music down and being in more of a pastoral role. The great thing about this church is that it fits with so much of what we believe. This church is for those that don't feel welcome in other churches. This church is for those that are hurting. They have numerous support groups that meet everyday of the week. And in fact, I am going to be joining one on the sexual abuse issue. I am really excited about our opportunites at this place. And I am really excited about trying to get people plugged in there. I think that this place is a place where a lot of people I know don't feel welcomed or wanted or understood in church can come and feel at home. When we first walked into Celebration, I felt the spirit so strong, that I almost started to tear up. It was a good feeling. So, please pray for us as we start this new chapter in the next couple of weeks.
Morgan..oh Morgan. What a handful! She took her first steps this past week. And her vocabulary is really starting to explode. She is starting to say all kinds of things and it's crazy how big of words she can say now. She is fearless, so much so it scares me at times. She started doing this thing where she will stand in the middle of our bed, pick up a pillow and proceed to fly in the bed and land on the pillow. And she just cracks up. Last night I told Ryan to put her in her crib b/c she was so hyper she was just diving all over the place..the next thing I know is I look at her in her crib and she is doing the same thing in there! So we had to get her out b/c I didn't want her to dive into the side of the crib or something. She does stuff like this all the time. But she is so much fun...she's trying to learn so much and is extremely curious. Ryan has even gotten her to put three words together already. She's going to give me a run for my money..when I turned one I could say over 60 words..I think she may beat me. anyways, otehr than that..things are good with us. Levi is getting bigger every day and it's hard to believe that I am already 6 1/2 months along. He's so much more active than she ever was..it's amazing to me how different these pregnancies are. But I feel good still and I am still running every day and plan on doing so until I have him just like with Morgan. Actually, I am running farther with him than I did with her..which is crazy b/c when I carried her I carried her in my back so it was pretty easy, I am carrying him out and he's low..but I actually feel better than I did when I ran with her.
anyways, pray for us as we make our transition over to celebration and pray for those that I daily have contact with that need a church home..I pray they can find comfort here.

2008-01-30T07:22:00.001-08:00

So yesterday I was driving and I was thinking about how the Lord has used our two kids to teach me so much. Especially when it comes to faith and the fact that we truly have zero control in the grand scheme of things. There are things that most people do not know about Ryan and I. We tend to be relatively private people and most importantly we keep our convictions private because they are ours alone and we do not want people to think that if they feel differently than we do that they are wrong. With that said...when Ryan and I got married I was on birth control. Shortly afterwards, I came under heavy conviction over this. For me, what I realized is that in this area..I was taking my eyes off of Jesus and onto me, Ryan and what we wanted. There are many aspects of our lives that we willingly give over to Christ daily, but here I saw an area of my life that I was refusing to give over b/c there were other things that I deemed more important. So, in January of 2006, I went off of bc. A couple of weeks later I got a call that I had cancer cells on my cervix and I started some testing for that. Intially, they told us that they didn't feel that it was that advanced but once the biopsy came back, it was a lot further along than they were comfortable with so we had to proceed and remove the cells. This was at the end of Feb 2006. They told us at that time, two different doctors, that we needed to prevent a pregnancy b/c my cervix would be too weak to carry a child after the surgery. They said that the earliest we could "try" would be August, but that they wanted me to come in first to see it and make an evaluation at that point. So, Ryan and I had a decision to make. Do we prevent b/c medical doctors tell us too or do we go in faith and trust that if my cervix is too weak to carry a child that He would not give us one or that if He does, my body would respond differently than what they said. We decided to go in faith. We did not prevent and honestly, we didn't think much of it. I guess that is the beauty of putting your faith and trust in Christ..once you relinquish control, you recieve a peace that is like none other. So August 2006 comes and guess what, we concieved Morgan. There were some concerns intially about the cervix but that was b/c I had never gone back and gotten "approved". All in all, we had a great pregnancy. Then after Morgan was born, I went back on bc..and again, I was deeply convicted. In the meantime, I had a lot of thyroid issues going on. So much so, that I was told by two different doctors that in my current state I couldn't concieve and my OB told me I was not ovulating. So, I think that whole situation made it easy for me to go off the bc. I think in my mind I felt "safe" b/c I couldn't concieve anyways, or so they thought. We ended up concieving our son right away. So, as I was driving yesterday, I thought a lot about this. First, I don't know what Ryan and I will do once this pregnancy is over. I know that I will not go back on bc. First, b/c of the conviction and the reasons why we have chosen to use bc in the past is not something that sits well with me. I can't in good faith encourage others to trust in God when I myself have an area of my life that I am not trusting Him. I use to say that if He wanted to give me a kid and I was on bc He would..and I believe that still..but that was just my cop out. I wasn't trusting and b/c of that, I can't use bc. Further, if you know me well enough, you know that I am a dork and study a lot. I took this biology class last summer and I learned that bc's don't prevent conception, they just prevent implantation (unless you use a condom) so after I had that class, I couldn't, in good conscience, think that Ryan and I were potentially concieving every month but the pregnancy wasn't going forward. So..for us..it leaves our hands tied. I don't want 10 kids..I just don't. My body needs a break. After levi is born, I will have been pregnant almost 2 years straight. What we will do, I don't know right now. It is something that we are still praying through. But back to the point of what I originally stated, God has shown me a lot about faith through two babies. Very different stories, but He showed His power and His plan none the less. We hear all the time how hard it's going to be for us..how having two kids so small is going to do this and that..and I often wonder if these people know my God the way I do. I find it a pure joy to give up things that I deem "important" to raise kids who love and know and serve our God. My daughter ministers to me daily and I am humbled each and every day that I get to lay eyes on my daughter. I know that we will be blessed for trusting God, for not ignoring a conviction that He placed deep within my heart.
Know that if you take bc, we don't think anything of it. We truly don't. Convictions that I face, are some that you will never will and vice versa. Ultimately, as I said before, for us, this was an area of our life where our eyes were no longer fixed on Jesus and we had to fix that.
I am grateful however that I serve a God that is mighty and powerful. He has used this little boy to witness to a Hindu woman and to show her and other doctors that He is the one running this show. Continue to pray for my relationship w/ my dr. I do not think that God is done here..I truly don't. Often times I have wondered if my pregnancy w/ Levi is to help her in her salvation and I would like to get it right this time and not end up prego again right away :) So, please pray that God will open more doors for us to continue to talk a/b Jesus and how much He loves her.

2008-01-17T10:32:00.000-08:00

Well, we have a name. His name is Levi. That's all I know right now. Ryan hasn't decided more beyond that at this point. This pregnancy is very different than mine with Morgan. Morgan and I were on a very good schedule. But also, Morgan was pretty lazy in the womb and slept all the time. When we were in the hospital they told me that Morgan was on this cycle where she would sleep for 20 minutes, up for a couple of minutes and then back to sleep. Also though with Morgan, towards the end of the pregnancy, if Morgan didn't kick to the side, I wouldn't feel her b/c of where the placenta was. It was higher than normal, so when she would move, it was acting as a bumper basically and I didn't feel a thing. But I also carried Morgan high and she was up under my right rib area. Levi I am carrying very low and he never stops moving. So different than with her.

Morgan is doing reallly good. She's been sick the last few days but otherwise she's good. She's too smart for her own good. Today I needed to get some things done so I put her in her crib in our room, (well, tech this is Levi's. Morgan is going to stay in the room that she doesn't use. We bought his crib and put it in our room to get Morgan use to not sleeping w/ us but she is able to see us) anyways, so she was in the crib playing and she wanted out but I wasn't finished. So I watched her take this car toy and move it to the end of the crib and proceed to stand over it to propell herself out of the crib. I called Ryan and told him and he was like she is dangerously smart. And she is. This weekend I was telling her no and she turned around, pointed at me and proceeded to tell me "No, No". Now, I wanted to laugh, but I couldn't. Ryan and I do not point at her, so I have no idea where she got this from. She is getting braver with her walking and any day now she will make her debut. She is getting to the point now where she will push herself away from something but barely hold on with one hand, you can see her thinking about it. She can and does stand by herself though. She is getting longer and longer every day. Morgan is built just like Ryan and his side..she is very petite, but long. She has always been over 90% for her height. Now, I just hope that Little Levi takes after his daddy too. I told Morgan that Levi was in my belly and she leaned down and kissed it. It was very sweet. Ryan has taught her to "talk" to him. Morgan pretty much does anything that Ryan teaches her to do..it's really amazing how different she is with each of us. With Ryan, that's her buddy. They play, she loves to crawl all over him, she gets super excited when she sees him. With me, the only time she wants me is if she's tired, upset, sick, hungry etc. I guess it's good to know that she sees me for comfort. It's also the only time that she will say my name lol...she is also blowing kisses now. It cracks me up.
Otherwise, we are still just busy w/ school and the like. We do need prayers for discernment. I hate being vague, but we've been praying thru something for the last month or so..at least now..and we feel like we are getting some clarity..and just when we thought we were getting direction..we have been faced w/ a HUGE fork in the road..which is the way that things work in our life with God..so while the sorting can be duanting, knowing that He's working is very exciting. As we progress, I will be more forthcoming as to what is going on..but please just pray that Ryan and I will remove ourselves and pursue God's will during this time.

Baby C is identified

2008-01-11T07:59:00.000-08:00

We are having a boy! Ryan is pumped needless to say. We don't have a name picked out yet, Ryan is going to name his son. I have a really hard time with picking names for our kids. I didn't name Morgan, he did. It's all so permanent that I can't just settle on a name. So, once he settles on his name, we'll let you know.
Morgan went with us to see the baby and she was just talking up a storm to the lab tech who was first doing all the measurements for the baby. Then when she told us it was a boy, Morgan started to get upset, lol..it was almost as if she understood. But the baby is healthy, all the testing that we have had done, thank you all to have prayed...yesterday they told us that our results are as good as they can get and they don't need to see us anymore. So..now we are just going to start to get ready for the lil guy.
Morgan is doing good. She's a busy body, into everything. She is now up to six words. She can say Dadda, Momma, Nanna, Uh-oh, Okay, and Duke (our dogs names-whom gets yelled at all the time, so it's no suprise she knows his name, lol) Otherwise, she's doing good. Any day now she's going to be walking..which is scary b/c I already have a really hard time keeping up with her and if you have been to our home, then you know that due to how open it is, we can't put gates up..they don't make them big enough, so unless we confine her to a bedroom, she's everywhere..all the time. She makes me smile..everyone always talks a/b what a happy baby she is..well, she should be..she rules our house..sleeps in our bed..she's spoiled. She's ruined it for her brother, lol.
anyways, we're doing good. only four more months and then our lives change all over again..but in a good way!

2008-01-02T11:31:00.000-08:00

I hope ya'll had a great Christmas and New Year's. We did. Morgan seemed to have identity issues however during Christmas and preferred all of her cousins tanks, trucks, and boy toys to hers, lol. She was funny. She's getting so big that it makes me sad! She can say dada, momma, and nana now. We're working on doggie, but we'll see. She can wave bye and she waves when you say hi too. She can give you high five and she can make Indian noises with her mouth. She also learned a few weeks ago how to play peek a boo..which is very cute, but I have to admit it's annoying b/c the girl will do it for 30 minutes straight. But she just laughs, so it's funny..for the first five minutes, lol. Otherwise, we're doing good. We had to take her to the dr the other day and she had to see a different dr b/c her dr was out. He proceeded to tell us how bright Morgan is and how advanced she is for her age. Now understand that Ryan and I both know that this has nothing to do w/ us..but it's God's given and we look forward to seeing why she is the way she is. However, what I have to continue to remind myself is that Morgan is different. I fear that I will hold the baby that I am now carrying to Morgan's standards b/c they are so close in age. Morgan is trying to walk..she's using those toys that teach you to walk and sometimes she gets a little ahead of herself and she pushes on them too hard and ends up flat on her face. Our daughter also thinks she is a monkey and she tries to climb up things all the time and more often than not, she falls. Luckily, no blood b/c if you know me..the two don't mesh!
Baby C is doing good..we find out what baby C is next week. This pregnancy is very different than Morgan's..complete opposite..and I am carrying this baby very low..however, I am still holding out hope that it's another girl. But I'll be happy either way. This won't be our last baby, so it doesn't matter..and even if it was..it still wouldn't. We are thankful for God's blessing.
I am a/b to start my last year of school. Well, I should clarify and my last year for this degree. I'll cont on b/c I like being in school, dork I know, and there are so many different things that I would love to study. Maybe once Ryan is done w/ his schooling, I'll finally hang it up..but we'll see ;)

2007-12-14T18:44:00.000-08:00

Things in the Christopher house are going well. I just wrapped up another semester at school. I took a youth ministry class which was interesting to say the least. Did you know that over 50% of kids in our churches today DO NOT believe that Jesus died and rose again? I could go on and list out a bunch of stats for you, but bottom line is that most of our kids have fallen victim to society saying that everything is acceptable. It's really disturbing. So parents, make sure you are teaching your kids the truth about God, Jesus..satan is doing a mighty work these days. I also finished a class on revelation and Daniel. They were good. But I feel like I spent so much of the class writing papers on non essential doctrine and that we could have been studying more of the book itself. But no complaints really..I really like how Liberty expands our knowledge and doesn't nec impart their beliefs on you but allows you the freedom to search out your own view. I think that is important and it's healthy for the body. Especially when it comes to non essential doctrine. Ryan is working on two masters...the MDIV and a Masters in Religion with an emphasis in Pastoral Counseling. He's about to take an evangelism class and I am really excited for him b/c those were my favorite classes that I took thus far. When I am done with this, I am thinking about getting my Masters in Christian Education. Liberty just started offering a masters that I can't remember the actual name of, but it's basically for missions and it teaches you about other cultures and religions so that you can go into those lands and help people find Jesus. I would love to get a degree in that. Maybe after the MACE I will. I think Ryan and I will be one of those couples who are forever in school....I love it. But I also must say this...God has been moving and doing a lot in us lately. Conviction on many things with our faith. I will say that I have been discouraged lately. I feel like after the world ends..when all our buildings and flags are destroyed, we will wish that we had seen everyone as equal. I want to quote something that Phillip Yancey said: "The more unsavory the characters, the more at ease they seemed to feel around Jesus. People like these found Jesus appealing: a Samaritan social outcast, a military officer of the tyrant Herod, a quisling tax collector, a recent hostess to seven demons. In contrast, Jesus got a chilly response from more respectable types. Pious Pharises thought him uncouth and worldly, a rich young ruler walked away shaking his head, and even the open-minded Nicodemus sought a meeting under the cover of the darkness. I remarked to the class how strange this pattern seemed, since the Christian church now attracts respectable types who closely resemble the people most suspicious of Jesus on earth. What has happened to revere the patern of Jesus' day? Why don't sinners like being around us?"
There is a lot of truth in that statement. I know that in our life..Ryan and I have to spend a lot of time with people who wouldn't dare step foot in our church. They are interested in our Jesus, but not in our church. They believe that Jesus is the American Jesus that polticians and televangeists are selling on tv. And that Jesus, I do not know. In Jesus' time the religious leadership was overbearing, unkind, and exclusionary, no doubt leaving those who encountered them with a feeling of worhtlessness. The religious leaders were against people who were not like them. Jesus' sincere appreciation of human beings must have been a welcome contrast. And yet, I see the church today acting as those same religious leaders. It just saddens me...deeply.

There is my rant for the day...on a side note. Morgan is great. Talking a lot. She is trying to walk..she's pulling herself up and walking around things. She learned how to give high five, to wave bye bye and Ryan taught her how to use her hand to make noises w/ her mouth to sound like an Indian. She does it all the time. And she understands that he taught her that. She will say "dada" and do it. It's cute. I had to take her yesterday to get her flu booster..she was crying when the nurses were leaving and I said say bye bye..here she is crying..she stops for a second and waves..it was sweet. She is a very, very affectionate child. She gives kisses a lot..and it's really sweet. She prefers our food to her baby food and she loves to drink out of our glass. She is definately no longer a "baby" anymore..that's for sure. And unfornately she has a temper. She def knows when she wants something and when she doesn't and she will let you know. But I actaully kind of like this..I like that she has an opinion. It gives me hope that she will be strong and not easily swayed.
The pregnancy is good. 4 months along now. I can't believe it really. I started to feel the baby kick and if there was any doubt left in my mind that this wasn't really happening, it's all lost now. Which is actually a good thing. We are about to find out what we are having. I really don't care what we have. I say a girl would be good for Morgan since they are going to be so close in age and we have everything for a girl and this isn't our last kid. But..if it's a boy, I'll be happy too. Whatever God deems...we are thankful either way for His blessing and are very excited to see the plan that He has for this child.
Have a Merry Christmas everyone...

Growing Like a Weed

2007-12-01T19:20:00.000-08:00

And I don't mean me, lol. The week of Thanksgiving was a big week for Morgan. She started crawling, saying "dada", and she got her first tooth. She's really starting to become a lot of fun. She's also standing already. I actually wondered if she would crawl in the first place b/c she had been pulling herself up. Last week, I was cooking and I put Morgan in the middle of the floor in the family room so I could keep an eye on her. I turned around and to look at her and somehow she was standing, right there in the middle of the floor. Now, when I saw this, I started to freak out and booked it to her, concerned she was going to fall and hurt herself. As I am running to her, I get a reality check and realized that she's going to be falling a lot and I need to get use to it. But, she's getting around really good. We started her on the sippy cup this week and she's doing pretty good. It's been a big week of accomplishments for her. And a lot of fun for us.
Otherwise, things are good. Baby Christopher is doing good. I can already feel the baby kick every now and then. I am carrying this baby a lot lower than I carried Morgan. I am 14 weeks now. We find out what we're having in about a month. We really don't care either way what we have. We are just thankful for the gift that He's provided us with.
On a sadder note, can you guys pray for the Luce family. They just delivered their daughter Poppy Joy who had Trisomy 18 and she survived the birth, got to meet her family, and passed into eternity three hours later. Please pray for this sweet family as they heal physically from the birth and emotionally from losing their daughter. If you want to read their story, you can do it here.
http://poppyjoy.blogspot.com/

Here are Morgan's new pix and our first "official" fam pix

2007-11-07T16:58:00.000-08:00

So...

2007-11-06T06:00:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was our 2nd anniversary. Amazing how fast time the has gone. Yet, I don't feel like my life has ever been any different than it is now. It's been an incredible two years. And I am excited a/b the many more to come.
I am almost 11 weeks along now in the pregnancy. Most days, other than being tired, I don't feel pregnant in the least. And couple that with being so busy w/ our daughter, it's easy to forget until it's time to take my vitamins. It's werid, and maybe you 2nd and 3rd and etc time Mommy's can make me feel better...but when we were pregnant w/ Morgan, she was all we talked about. Now, w/ this one, I feel like it's a fleeting thought..I feel bad. Like we should be just as we were w/ Morgan and then I think a/b how we didn't have a baby then, so things are just different now.
Speaking of Morgan, she will be 6 months in 2 days. The kid is just amazing us everyday. We are first time parents, so we don't know what's "normal" or to be expected. Everything she does, she assume it's "normal" but her dr tells us all the time how she is more advanced, how she has a personality that is not the norm for babies her age. When we had our ultrasound, we took Morgan w/ us..it was a big deal, and we wanted her to be apart of it. When the OB came in, she looked at her and then took her and said now she could understand why we would want another baby and then told us how she's been a/r many, many babies, but had never seen one w/ her personality. When she told us that, the things that her pedi had been saying started to ring true. I wouldn't say that we didn't believe her, we just never want to be those over zealous parents who think that their kid is the best at everything and its not true. Morgan is unique. We know this. But we also knew that God had mighty things in store for her.
She is trying to crawl. She will go from sitting up and playing to on all fours. She will rock, but isn't moving. So, then she just resorts to the army crawl to get after what she wants. The kid thinks that everything is a jungle gym. She can pull herself up and she does it all the time. She is fearless, and that in turn scares me. Everyone thinks she'll skip crawling and go to walking since she's pulling up, that's what I did at 7 months. I don't know that Ryan and I are ready for that. I kind of like how it is now..but I guess it can't be this way forever. I am just thankful that she is so strong and healthy.

We're moving along

2007-10-25T08:36:00.000-07:00

Today is the start of my 9th week of pregnancy. It still doesn't seem real somedays, but, oh my body knows that it is. I must say though, this one is completely different than it was with Morgan. So, I can't complain at all.
It's funny..how we try to "plan" things. When we had Morgan..we didn't find out what we were having until right before Christmas so we just had our families buy us things that could be used for either a boy or a girl. Plus, our "plan" was that we'd use this stuff for our next baby. Well, so much for planning. I never thought that I'd have 2 high chairs at the kitchen table..or need two cribs for that matter. Oh, but we will. It's just another humbling lesson given by the Lord.
Morgan is doing so great. She ate her whole jar of baby food yesterday! She likes veggies, but she isn't a fan of the sweet stuff..dude, if I didn't already know that was my kid, watching her eat is such a reminder. She is getting up on all fours and is rocking, but she won't move yet. But she prefers to stand anyways. If you hold her arms, she can walk. She's starting to do really good too. She hates to lay down. She has to be sitting up and playing. If you try to lay her down, watch out, her temper comes out. She just prefers to be doing something all the time. It looks like she's going to fit right in w/ our lifestyle. She talks a lot..that she doesn't get from me. She has been saying dada, but obviously, she doesn't have a clue what she says. She does know what daddy and mommy mean. if you ask her, she will look a/r for said person. Same w/ doggies, she will look for the dogs. She loves the dogs. We sit her in front of them and she just cracks up. She also cracks up if you show her a baby picture. It can be a picture of any baby and this kid will die laughing. She makes us laugh all the time b/c she is laughing all the time. She is def what we needed in our lives. I think we tend to take things so seriously sometimes, she has us stop and just relish in the those sweet moments.
She loves to take baths..and not only that, but we can run the shower on her while she sits in her tub, like right on her head, and she doesn't even stop playing. She may be a swimmer...
otherwise, we're doing good. Our anniversary is next week. 2 years, 2 kids...I never thought we'd be saying that.

God's Timing

2007-10-16T06:46:00.000-07:00

That's something that Ryan and I are learning full well these days. From time to time we each have experiences that impress us indelibly with how uncanny God's timing is in our life. After the birth of Morgan, I had so many complications that I couldn't even begin to list them all out here. It seemed to never end. I was getting tired of the dr's visits, seeing all these different specialists. But, I was thankful for my daughter, so I guess it made it tolerable. Then at the beginning of September, we had more tests done and my dr told me that my thyroid was really jacked up. That it kept bouncing between hypo and hyper and that we needed to try to get it resolved b/c in my current state, I couldn't get pregnant, so if we wanted to have more kids, we needed to do this. So, I made my appt for Oct 2nd. Then a week later I was in my OB's office for my yearly pap. There she told me that I would not ovulate, explained how that area of your body is "luxuary". We talked awhile a/b that. So, I said okay. Then the next week, as I was running I struggled to make it two miles. Keep in mind, after my pregnancy, I started running 4-5 miles a day. So, I thought okay, my body is just tired for some reason. Then, Tuesday, came, same thing..then wed..you're getting the idea. I realized I was falling asleep by 8 or 8:30. At first I thought it was because my daughter starting waking up in the middle of the night, so that was the culprit...but, I just felt "different". So, on Oct 2nd, the day that I was suppose to go see the specialist, I found myself sitting back in my OB's office confirming that I was pregnant.
When my dr came in, she said that when she heard, all she could think a/b was the conversation that we had had 2 weeks prior and how, at that time, I was pregnant. We talked a/b "odds", but then I thought a/b how God doesn't play odds. God is not bound by probability. Or as Albert Einstein put it, "God doesn't play dice." He exercises providential oversight in our lives that vastly exceeds our awareness.
Yesterday, we got to see our new child. We got to hear their heart beat. I think that I have been in denial for weeks, but as I sit and look at the pictures, it's real. I believe that from time to time God gives us experiences like this as a window on his broader and more mysterious work in our lives. He wants us to know that his timing is always perfect, in every aspect of our experience. We instinctively mistrust the timing of God, and this lack of trust accounts for much of our anxiety. Yet a close look at our experience shows how flawless his timing actually is. With the benefit of hindsight, we often recognize how remarkably advantageous his timing has been in the events of our lives.
So, we sit humbly thankful for this child. And excited to see God's plan. He's already using this baby. The day that I found out, I sat with my dr for over and hour talking a/b God. She is Hindu. Her husband is HUGE in their faith. Has written many things for their faith. And here I got to be open and honest w/ her a/b God. He's building a bridge there, and it's neat to see.
So, this baby is due May 29th. Please pray for the health of the child and of me.

So....

2007-10-09T06:43:00.000-07:00

I have been in this season of renewal I would call it. God is taking things that I once held dear and showing me that they have nothing to do with Him. He's showing me that man has created so many traditions..things that we hold on to more than His word. It's quite scary really. I have sat the last few weeks and looked at how we do church. It's amazing really. I mean, think about it. The church in general states that they want to be an Acts church. But what we really want is the benefits that the Acts church received. We want to the Holy Spirit to pour out over us. Who wouldn't right? But the catch is..those people did a lot of things that we aren't willing to do. We say we are. We say we want to do certain things. And maybe in our heart of hearts we do..until it becomes uncomfortable. Until it challanges us. Until it changes things that we enjoy. Then, we essentially reject it. We no longer want it. We hide behind excuses, but really, by nature...we are selfish. I admit. I know that I am. I just wish more people would admit it. Now, I know that many are genuinely selfless people. I am fortunate to be friends with many. But we all have that stopping point. Every one of us.
Ryan and I have been blessed to have been apart of many different denominations. Everyone does it a little different. There are things that we like in each one, and things that we could leave. I think that God has blessed us by showing us the things that will one day make up our ministry. Our very own. God has taught me the last few weeks, and graciously, He actually started this through my husband. That my ministry is not going to look like Ryan's. That my ministry is not "ryan's wife". My ministry is far different. It's going to look different. And I am grateful for that. I am thankful that God is able to use me apart from my husband and apart from the church building. I think that far too often people put too much stock into the actual building. What I do know is that God gave me an incredible journey. One that I am not to just sit idlely in the church and wait for people to come so I may get a chance to share it.
My heart is for the unchurched. I can relate to them in ways that people who were raised in the church can't. No fault of their own, but it's just not the path that God gave them. The problem is, the unchurched aren't coming into our church. My gifting is not in cold evangelism. Plus, when I was on the other side, I hated things like that. So, I purposely befriend the unchurched. My mission isn't to "save" them. The truth is, I can't save anyone. Only God can. My mission is to love them. To have true, open, and honest conversations with them. To share my story. The deepest parts of me, so that they will share the deepest parts of them. To show them a glimpse of the Father's love.
See..that's not Ryan's ministry. Never will be. Because it can't be. Because God didn't give him that path. He gave it to me. Ryan is great with the surface level stuff. I am not. I don't have time for it. I don't have time b/c to get to the heart of people, you can't be surface level. I spend a lot of time with people every single week..ministering to them. Loving them. giving them a glimpse of God. I don't over use the God card. I don't feel that I need to. Honestly, if I have to keep using it, then I believe He's not in it. He is powerful enough to show Himself through any situation, I don't need to advertise that for Him.
I can love and support Ryan. I am fortunate to have a husband that encourages me to faithful to God and not to man. Our ministry looks different, b/c we're different. I don't believe that God can be equated to some system. I don't believe that our ministry can either. We are called to serve God, not man. And we will continue to do so. No matter how different it looks to someone else.

Not enough hours in the day

2007-10-01T06:30:00.000-07:00

I know, I've been awol. It's tough b/w work, school, and the baby to have any free time these days. But no complaints. We are doing really well.
Ryan is getting ordained in the near future. I am really proud of him. I don't know how he manages to do all the things that he does. I admire his ambition and drive to accomplish the things that he feels called to do. He has so many obstacles, and yet, he's never used them as an excuse to not follow through or to take short cuts. He just does what he needs to do, regardless of the cost. Sadly, he often neglects his own needs b/c w/ the few short minutes he does have each day, he's serving me or his daughter. We truly have a remarkable man in our family, one that I admire greatly and am I thankful that our children will have such a good role model to look up to.
Other than that, things are great. Morgan is growing and doing so many things these days. She cracks me up. She has this laugh that is hilarious. When she gets to laughing, sometimes I start laughing so hard I feel like I just did my ab workouts. She is a roll over machine. And she can sit up and she's trying to crawl..she knows how to go backwards..she just hasn't figured out how to go forward. She's so curious. She likes to look at things and figure out how to manipulate them. It's amazing watching her figure out how things work.
Now, we just have to figure out how to get her out of our bed. And the sooner the better...it's a battle that her daddy and I are losing horribly. This morning I told Ryan we are batting 0, lol.

2007-09-05T06:44:00.000-07:00

So, Morgan has been on two trips so far and survived her first airplane ride. She did so good. She truly is such a good baby. We were a little concerned about taking her on a plane, but, we didn't hear a peep out of her. This past weekend was my 10 yr reunion back in Ohio. It was really good to get to go back home and see old friends and my sister. Introduce Morgan. So many were waiting to meet her and we didn't get to everyone that we would liked to have. We just had way too much planned for such a short trip. On Sunday, I went to church w/ my friend Gracie. Her dad pastors a church up there. If you have ever heard my testimony, Gracie plays a large role in the beginning of my journey. Anyways, Thursday morning before we left for the airport Gracie called me and said she had told her dad that I was coming and they wanted to know if I would give my testimony to the church. I said yes, I don't like public speaking at all, but I also know that I can't turn down opportunties to glorify God. So, I was grateful for the opportunity on Sunday morning to testify to what He has done in my life.
On our trip, we ran from sun up until a/b 11 or 12 every night. We call Morgan nosey rosey b/c she sleeps little if she is in a new environment or place. She likes to watch all that is going on. Well, this trip proved no different. She was up so much, that when we got home on Monday morning, she slept all day except for maybe an hour and that is b/c we woke her up and she slept all night. I felt so bad. She was exhausted.
Otherwise, she's doing great. She can roll over both ways. When she is sitting down, she tries to pull herself up. She loves to stand. She loves to be in her saucer or her jumperoo. The kids legs never stop moving. Everyone says that she will walk early, but mom and dad don't know if they are ready for all of that :) Every milestone has been bittersweet. I rejoice when she accomplishes a new task, but then I realize all the ways that my life has now changed. She talks A LOT. Sometimes when she talks, I swear it sounds like she says "hi". We crack up. She loves to give kisses. She's such a sweet little girl. She is extremely active. She never stops moving. I am use to it, but I was reminded how active she is when we were in Ohio. It amazed everyone. She is into everything. She wants to grab, hold, touch everything. It's awesome.
She will be 4 months on Saturday and it's been the best four months of our lives.

2007-08-13T12:34:00.000-07:00

So, things are good. Morgan turned 3 months last week. It's amazing how fast they grow, it truly is. She's extremely independent. She likes to sit up so she can see what's going on. She can hold her bottle as long as it's the small one. Either way, she still tries. You show it to her and she will put both hands a/r it and pull it to her mouth. She laughs. Not just smiles, but laughs and it in turn makes me laugh. There is nothing better than hearing her laugh. It's so sweet. She likes to cuddle, especially when she is going to sleep. She likes to scoot in next to you and she likes your face to touch hers as she drifts off to sleep. It's precious. She knows what "kisses" mean. If you ask her to give you a kiss, she opens her mouth real big and sometimes even when you just pick her up, she'll kiss you all on her own. And then there are times when you lean down and kiss her gently and she will "quietly" talk to you and look you deep in the eyes, it's like she's telling you she loves you. And she's a big talker, just like her dad. She has a pink poodle named Sophie and she will cuddle w/ Sophie. She has a bumpo seat that she loves to sit in and just check everything out. She's precious..

These were the pictures that we had taken for her turning 3 months, enjoy!

Divine Intervention

2007-08-05T05:30:00.000-07:00

Other than the birth of my daughter, spiritually, I'd been dry for a while. Why exactly, I don't know. I am sure it was something that I was or wasn't doing. But the last week, things have been picking up and I am seeing God move in ways that I haven't in some time. For those that don't know..we had contemplated leaving Faith Temple. Really, it's something that we had contemplated for many months. But during my pregnancy, we decided to hold off and stay. As the pregnancy was winding down, we discussed and prayed about leaving. Ryan kept asking me what I was feeling and honestly, at the end of the pregnancy, I couldn't think about anything other than the baby. Nothing. So, I kept telling him that I didn't feel comfortable making a decision right then and that either we go off of his discernment or we wait. So, he decided that we should go. At the time, I was like okay..let's go. Being the submissive wife and all. Yet, something deep inside of me thought, I think we need to hold off. I just prayed that he would feel it too. So, he tells Lewis we're leaving, but we weren't sure when. I definately wanted to be at Faith Temple when Morgan was born because the people of Faith Temple had been with us every step of the way of the pregnancy and I felt that we owed it to them to see Morgan. It just didn't sit well with me to leave them then. So fast forward a few weeks. We had Morgan and what not and then we were like okay, we can now leave. We started lookng for him other jobs. Ultimately, since Ryan feels called to pastor, we wanted something that would enable him to be in more of a pastoral role. He'd been pretty spent on being the worship leader. His heart just wasn't in it. So, we went to this other church and he led their worship and preached that night. But, something just didn't sit right..at all. So we went to lunch w/ the pastor and his wife and on the way there, we were like, no way. We are not called here. So, then we were back to square one. We thought, we'll just leave the Temple and just sit under some teaching for a bit until we are called somewhere else. Maybe we just need a break. We were like okay, let's fast and pray about it this week and make sure we are in God's will before we make it official. We didn't talk all week about it, we just went through it seperately, believing that God would show up and unify our hearts. At the end of the fast, we both felt like we needed to stay at Faith Temple. Ultimately, what it comes down too..I feel like because somethings didn't go as we felt that they should have gone, then we just stopped trying there. We just showed up because Ryan collected a check there. There was nothing more to it than that for quite some time. So, I was deeply convicted over this. God was saying, here I blessed you with an opportunity and not only did you not give yourself to the people of Faith Temple as you are called to do, you didn't give yourself to Me either. Wow...okay. He's right. We had essentially become ungrateful for what God provided us. Why would we be blessed in another church serving if we can't do it here. God knows whats best, not Ryan and I. We had gotten ahead of ourselves and tried to take things into our own hands. All of that to say, we're staying. What is funny..or ironic..or just the same lesson learned again..is that when we are faithful, God is faithful. We really wanted two things when we were seeking a new church for him to serve in. We felt that he needed a more pastoral role, and we even said, "if you could just get a church to take you on as the associate pastor, that'd be ideal. And we wanted to get him ordained. Well, Ryan is now the college pastor or young adults, I don't know what he's decided to call it yet. And they have talked about changing his title to the assoc pastor. Further, one of the deacons talked about ordaining him. Isn't God good..here He is providing the things that we felt were more in line with who Ryan was from the very place and people that we wanted to leave. I swear God has a sense of humor.
Ok, and another cool story about Him. So, when Morgan was born she had to go to NICU b/c she was a meconium baby, she had a fever, and there was something else wrong too. I can't remember..basically b/c of everything and then some blood work came back that led them to believe that she might have an infection so they decided to go ahead and treat it b/c they weren't going to know until like the next day, and since she was so little, they felt that it'd be better to be proactive and treat it than wait and find out. So, her pedi in the hospital was different than the pedi we had picked. The pedi that we had picked was by our home and she didn't have rights at the hosp that we were in. So, when it was time for us to be checked out, they came and checked me out and then the NICU nurse came and told us that one, Morgan can't go home, her blood work shows that she might still have an infection, although all her cultures had come back negative, but they just didn't feel safe letting her leave. They wanted to cont her on antibiotics and retest her the next morning and then if some level was down, she could go home. So..then the nurse says (we decided to stay the night and just pay so we could stay w. her) and just to warn you..we have exhausted all her veins in her hands, feet, and legs so we had to put the iv in her head. When we saw her, I got really upset. Ryan just held me as I cried and then we cried together. I just didn't understand what was happening. I felt that there was more to what was going on and they didn't want to tell us..so Ryan called down to NICU (Morgan was still down there) to get more clarification and they had the pedi call us..she explained things to him and she said, "I don't think there is anything wrong with her, I just can't prove it and we don't want her to go home until we can." So, the next morning, her blood work came back at levels that were normal. We were free to go. So, I told Ryan..let's just keep seeing the pedi from the hosp at first b/c she knows what exactly was going on w/ Morgan and they wanted Morgan to go back to the dr in a couple of days b/c of everything and I just felt it would be best to be w/ the dr that knew the situation. So, we started seeing her. We found out that her husband is the college pastor over in Las Colinas. Ryan went and looked him up and found a lot of info on him so he shot him an email finally a week or so ago. They met this past week for coffee. Their stories regarding the ministrty and where they are at now, are really similiar. And, thier stories are similiar to the one of me and Ryan's. Further, he was able to give Ryan good insight on college stuff (we have a good core of kids coming from DBU now) but also, Ryan and I have been deeply convicted over how the Chrisitan community has treated people who are gay. This is something that Ryan and I have been working through the last couple of months. Well, this guy has a minitry called U Turn, it runs seperately from the church and it's for that purpose. And, his heart is the same as ours. Isn't God amazing?
I mean, Morgan had to be born when she was for that pedi to be on call..then for her to endure what she did so we would cont to see that pedi to get us to where we are today. Amazing.
God never ceases to amaze me.

Trucking Along

2007-07-18T05:43:00.000-07:00

Nothing real exciting has been going on in our house as of late. Ryan is taking Greek in school and is almost done w/ this summers term, that'll be a huge relief for him. I am taking two classes right now, one is a Church Ministry class..basically teaches you how to teach a Sunday school class. It's really good b/c it has made me realize that people learn differently and that just because I prefer a certain style doesn't mean that my way is the right way and that if I truly desire to teach people the gospel then it's important to reach everybody. I am sure that teachers already know this ;) And I am also taking another philosophy class on the Diety of Christ. It's really good b/c we essentially study other belief systems that reject Christ and we talk about it. It's good, I've learned a lot in both classes.
Ryan went to a church this past Sunday and lead their worship in the Sunday morning service and then he preached in the Sunday night service. We have prayed about this opportunity. It has the ability to lead to other opportunities as Ryan doesn't feel called to the worship ministry, but to more of a pastoral role. We prayed before we went that we'd have a unified spirit in this decision and we have spent the last few days praying through it...but we just don't feel that this is where God is calling us too. And honestly, it's a tough decision b/c it provides everything that we have been seeking, but this is not God's will. So, in obedience, he is turning this down.
Otherwise, things are good. The Cox's came over this past weekend and hung out w/ us and Morgan. Kamara is a natural, lol..Morgan is a lil funny w/ people. She typically prefers her mom and dad and Ryan's dad..otherwise, more often than not, she'll cry when other people take her, which makes leaving her very difficult..but Morgan took right to Kamara and in fact, she fell asleep in her arms which is actually a huge deal b/c she refuses to sleep unless she's comfortable..take yesterday for example..yesterday was her first day that Ryan and I were both back to work..so Morgan went to his sister's house, well, she never slept..she was up all day..she got home at 5pm and crashed b/c she was so tired and didn't wake up until I woke her up this morning at 5:30 to change her and feed her. Hopefully today will be a better day for her and she'll get more comfortable. Ryan says that she takes after me...I am always leery of people and their intentions..their motives..things like that..I wish I weren't that way, but I am..and Morgan seems to be the same right now. I pray she grows out of it and becomes more like her dad...
anyways, things are good though. Morgan is really getting a personality and she is laughing and talking all the time..she cracks us up.
Be blessed guys..and please pray for us that God will direct us in where He would have us..

I guess I'll actually say something this time....

2007-07-05T21:21:00.001-07:00

It's been an incredible two months. There are some days that I can't believe she's as old as she is..and yet, there are other days that I can't believe that I haven't always had her. She is truly beautiful..and has added more to my life than I ever expected.

It's amazing to me that you can just sit for hours and watch a baby do absolutely nothing. I think I am often overcome with God's craftsmanship, that I sit in awe of what He has done. And it's amazing what one little baby smile can do to your heart. There are no greater moments than when she gazes into your eyes, staring so intently..studying your face..and then, there it comes..she so genuinely smiles at you. Agh, breath taking.

Well, beyond that..being parents has been good. And, I think that for all the horror stories that we were told for months prior to her arrival..it's been relatively easy I think. I started back to work last week. Honestly, I miss Morgan like crazy during the day, but I like having a routine. It's hard to have that when you sit at home w/ a baby. I missed my co-workers a lot too. So, I actually went back w/o kicking and screaming. And it's been good...I like my job, so that makes it easy too. Ryan has been home w/ Morgan the past 2 weeks. He gets a month off w/ her..which is good for them. They need that time to bond together.

Otherwise, things are good. Busy as always..our July weekends were booked from beginning to end before we ever hit July 1st..we vow to slow down one day. Ryan is taking Greek in the seminary..so he studies like crazy...and I am very proud of him. I don't know how he does all that he does to be honest. I mean, he works full time..works at the church part time..goes to school..and still manages to be the best husband and father there is..I think he's cloned himself :)

Anyways, I'll leave you with more pix of my girl...

New pictures of Morgan

2007-06-30T10:51:00.000-07:00

Life Changing

2007-06-07T18:49:00.000-07:00

That's really an understatement I think when I look at the past month since Morgan's birth. It is hard to believe she is a month old! I have learned so much this past month. Nobody warns you about the amazing event of becoming a mother. Oh, plenty of "experts" tell you all about the physical transformations - the sagging boobs, the spongy abdomen, and the lifestyle changes. But nobody lets you in on the secret: mothers are different, and being a mother makes you different.

I never knew what a miracle truly was until I experienced child birth. Every parent knows what this means. And I have witnessed a miracle every single day since her birth. Having her changed my life immensly. I have learned that love has no confines. I will never in my life forget the feeling of having her being pulled from me, having the doctor say "Julie, look at your daughter." And seeing Dr. C holding her up for me to see her. Then laying there and having this little girl crying being laid on me..and when I first spoke to her...to watch her instantly stop crying and raise her eyes to mine..and it was there in that moment..when our eyes locked for the first time..in that moment I fell in love..and the nurse said "She knows her momma." There was no greater moment in my life. I have learned that love grows bigger and deeper every day. My daughter has taught me how to appreciate the simple things in life. Now I see what she sees: bright colors, objects, the light shining. She has given me a new perspective. Small things give me pure joy. Her peachy soft head. Her sweet smell. The way her little hand clutches my finger. Tiny yawns and baby smiles.
I have also learned that my love for my husband runs deeper than I ever thought possible. The late nights that we lay together and stare at what God created through our love is amazing. Every time I see Morgan, it is a reminder of Ryan..how much I love him..how that love deepens every day. Watching him love her makes me even more grateful that he is my husband..and that he is her daddy. She couldn't have a better father. Every decision that Ryan has made from the moment that we found out about her has centered around what is best for her. What is best to show her Jesus..I know that his love runs so deep for her..and it makes me grateful for him. Because, what I have learned through Morgan too is about God's love. I can honestly tell you that I don't think that I understood how much God loved me until I had her. Knowing how much I love her, knowing how deep it runs...gives me a true glimpse at God's love for me. Sadly, I have spent my walk not truly knowing the depth of His love.
She has made me more alive, more aware of the smell of the grass under my feet, of the beauty of the butterfly. My life is richer, deeper, because I am Morgan's mommy, and I cannot imagine anything more important.

4 weeks

2007-06-03T15:38:00.000-07:00

It's hard to believe that Morgan is almost 4 weeks old..and at the same time, it's hard to believe that I haven't always had her. She cracks us up...she def has an attitude and is unbelievably strong willed. We should have known this from the beginning. When she was born..she was already holding her head up..she rolled over and when the nurses were checking her out, she would hit them..at first, I thought that she was just upset so she was a lil wild and her body was involuntarily doing these things, but as we have witnessed the last 4 weeks..that's just her. It's funny..I think she's going to give me a run for my money :)
We are figuring this parenting thing out...some days are better than others..but it's good. I really don't have any complaints..just had to learn to adjust..and honestly, it hasn't been that hard..now, I say that..ask me when I go back to work what I think..but right now, it's good. The good thing is that when I go back to work, Ryan comes in for a month off to be w/ her..so hopefully we'll have her in a grove by the time he goes back..she'll be almost 3 months old by then.
Other that, things are good. And there really isn't much else going on..I've kind of been holed up the last few weeks and looking forward to getting back to work and back into a routine to be honest..I am lucky that I have a job that I like and I have co-workers that I love..it makes it easy to get up every day and do what I do..
other than that..if you haven't met Morgan yet, hopefully we'll get to introduce you soon! We're bored...so come and see us!

Pictures of our daughter

2007-05-16T16:51:00.000-07:00

Morgan

2007-05-15T13:09:00.000-07:00

Morgan has indeed arrived. She was born May 8th at 5:37pm. We were scheduled to be induced on the 9th, a Wednesday. Monday evening I began having contractions a/r 8pm that were really strong and coming pretty close together...but I ignored them for a couple of hours b/c I was just resolved to the fact that were getting induced. But a/r 10:30 I realized that they were pretty close together and that they were really strong..so we started timing them and sure enough, it was time. We got to the hospital a/r 1 in the morning. They paged the dr on call and they ended up giving me something that knocked me out and slowed the contractions..I don't know why they did this to be honest. But my dr came in a/r 8 and by then the contractions had picked back up and we were dilated to a 7. She broke my water then. We discovered at that time that Morgan was a meconium baby. We then stayed dilated at a 7 until noon..Morgan just wouldn't drop down. The dr came back then and said that we'd give her another 2 hours and that if she didn't drop down more, we would have to take her. I laid on my side and that did the trick..she came on down. By 2 I wanted to push, but the nurses kept telling me that I couldn't. That my cervix was swollen and that if I pushed, that it would tear the cervix so we needed to wait for it to go down. By 3 I was dying, I wanted to push..they called the dr and she was there in 5 minutes..she said that my cervix wasn't swollen at all..it was my uretha that was swollen and that I was fully dilated and the baby was ready. So..we began pushing. And we kept pushing....for 2 1/2 hours we pushed. My dr said that once we hit 3 hours of pushing, that we would just have to take her. Well, she finally came at 5:37. It took a nurse and I pulling on a sheet, a broken blood vessel in my eye, and bruises on my arm to get her out. Yes, she was that difficult. We couldn't get her to pass under the pubic bone..she'd just rock and then push herself back up...by the end of it...I was dying. The ephideral had worn out..I hadn't eaten in over 24 hours and hadn't drank anything in a/b 20 hours..I was depleted to say the least. But I had an awesome dr..and Ryan was great..as well as the nurses..I couldn't have done it w/o any of them. But for as hard as it was, seeing the precious face of my daughter..I'd do it all over again. She's just beautiful.
So, we have grown from 2 to 3 and we love it..no sleep and all. Seeing her smile makes our day...and she's managed to add so much to our lives in a week. Thank you Lord for this precious gift and it is our prayer that we can disciple her and she shall return to you.
Thanks everyone who prayed for us and who came to visit us in the hospital. We love you all.

2007-04-20T13:26:00.000-07:00

I know..it's been awhile. Things have been increasingly busy the last couple of months. Morgan is due in 15 days. I must say, this has been a rather easy pregnancy. Sure, I get tired and all those things, but I am still able to continue to run every day and enjoy things as I did prior. The dr said we've had a perfect pregnancy, now, we are simply waiting. The dr said that the baby is doing her job (on trying to come out) she's engaged herself in my pelvis. I lost my plug and I started to dilate, but not nearly enough. It's just a matter of me releasing her. Which, if I had any say in this, it would have been done..yesterday :) But in all seriousness, it's been easy..and good.
God has taught me a lot about my walk with Him through this process. It's truly been humbling. And I can tell you that I view things a lot differently now..an awful lot.
Otherwise, not much is going on. I am wrapping up my classes this week and will take a break until mid June. The break will be good..I need it, that's for sure. I am starting a new women's bible study in June. (it's going to be on Fri nights so I can break bread w/ these women, I can pray w/ them and we can explore God's word w/o time constraints) It's something that I feel called to do. I am surrounded by a lot of women who "believe" but are not plugged into a church anywhere, whatsoever. Actually, most totally reject the idea of church. So, I feel that if I help them grow in their relationship, and pray that God convicts them..then they will get plugged into a church that can further disciple them. I look forward to doing this..it's something I was apart of early on in my walk, and I can tell you that during that bible study, I learned what it meant to love God. To truly fall in love w/ Him and learn to see Him. So, if you could..pray for this group. For these ladies. I am waiting until June b/c I need sometime to adjust w/ Morgan and also, I need sometime to pray about the direction God wants to take this group. I have ideas, but I need to make sure prior that it's not me and it is God. My heart has and will always be for the unchurched...for those that "believe" but don't know God. I desire to see lives changed by the Gospel and watch people turn into true believers.
Starting this bible study has had me sit back and reevaluate things. One of Ryan's mentors, who he meets w/ a/b once a week, said that if whatever program you have doesn't point to Jesus, get rid of it. I think that there are a lot of things that we do in the church (the "church" in general) that don't nec do this. We jump on programs or functions..w/o really seeking what God wants. We do it b/c we've always done it..and even though no fruit is produced..we just keep on doing it. Why? I believe community is extremely important (this is why I favor the cell group model over Sunday school etc) but we can't place community over the lost. And sometimes I think that we have this we vs them mentality and we reject people. I listen to Christians talk a/b other groups..and it's not love that I hear. It's..I don't know how to explain it. I am fortunate that I work in a secular environment b/c I am w/ people all day long..most who don't have a relationship..and I have seen God do amazing things simply by me loving these people..w/o expectations. Now, I am not saying this to pat myself on the back..I am simply making a point..that if we love people..the way Jesus said too..we can truly make a difference for the kingdom. I have some ladies who will be going to this bible study who are looking forward to it but have been rejected by other Christians or churches in the past. It's tragic. I don't understand when we got to decide who makes it to heaven and who doesn't.
I have watched Ryan embrace a homosexual man at his work. This man takes shots at Christians all the time..and Ryan lets him..b/c the truth is..he speaks truth. The things that he accuses Christians doing are true. Ryan has managed to earn his trust and his respect. Ryan just loves him and it is our prayer that through Ryan, this man, will learn what a Christian is. The sad part is..he knows nothing of the bible..no stories (isn't that amazing) what he knows of us is what he sees on t.v. He thinks that all we care a/b is being a republican and oppressing his rights..b/c that's what he sees. That's all he sees...us calling him a sinner..but aren't we all? We all fall short. If these same people would tackle every other sin out there the same way, wow, imagine what we could do for the kingdom! No, we pick and choose sins that are "worse" than others..
Anyways, sorry for my rant...it's just been a very enlightening couple of months for me. God has shown and changed things in my heart and in Ryan's heart. I think He's preparing us for something really big, and we look forward to that. We look forward to embracing our community and making an impact for the gospel.
We don't know what our future holds as far as ministry...we got somethings brewing..so please be praying for us as we make some decisions..and most likely some changes. We ask for a prayer covering and your support...
In the meantime..pray for our daughter! We look forward to meeting her!
Love you guys!

2007-02-27T13:34:00.000-08:00

Well, in typical Christopher fashion..we have had an incredibly busy last few weeks. When I got pregnant, I told Ryan..now that I am pregnant, I'll have an excuse to stay home more..agh, but no such luck. Let's recap the last few weeks..we sold our house..we bought a new one. For Valentine's day, Ryan and I went to San Francisco for a few days. The one thing with us is that we love to travel. And we'll take any excuse that we can to go somewhere..anywhere. It's harder now that he's in ministry..before then, we'd be gone all the time..taking quick weekend trips...but anyways, back to San Fran..we had a great time. We like going to cities that we can just roam..explore..we walked so many miles in San Fran..we did the touristy things like China Town and Fisherman's Wharf, alcatraz..all very cool and interesting..but we also just went walking..through normal neighborhoods..it was neat..seeing how different people live..I will say that by walking the streets though as the main source of getting to places..you encounter a lot of very weird people..and we stumbled across some beautiful churches too...The weather was beautiful there..it was unseasonably warm for them..lucky for us...but it was just nice to just be together..we run a lot..our lives take us ina hundred different directions...and our schedule fills up..March is already booked up and we haven't even began it yet. I told Ryan the other day not to schedule one thing for the month of April...nothing. While I am extremely excited to meet my daughter..I know that my life is about to change in ways that I am not prepared for. I need sometime for me..for my husband..and just preparring for this little girl's arrival.
SPeaking of her..she's a busy bee. I don't think she's going to be laid back like me at all..she's on the go all the time..sometimes I wonder if she ever really does sleep. But, I enjoy feeling her move around...this pregnancy has been extremely easy...I pray she's as easy as the pregnancy has been. I am still running everyday believe it or not..I was talking to the dr the other day b/c she measured me and said that Morgan is doing really good as far as growth and I was telling her I was surprised b/c so many people tell me how small I am..but she told me b/c my abs are so strong (see, doing hundreds of situps a day did pay off) that they are actually craddling Morgan..I carry her in my back, which she said is how they prefer that you carry them b/c the baby isn't so out in front and exposed to the elements..anyways, b/c of how I do carry her..there is a good chance I can run the entire pregnancy..which makes me really happy...no matter what..I'll still work out..it gives me energy and I feel great right now. I have been expecting to be so tired b/c so many say that in the 3rd trimester, you're really tired..but I feel great...I wouldn't say normal b/c I don't even know that I remember what normal feels like..but I feel good.
I was also worried a/b how long I'd have to wait to start to work out again after I have her..and the dr said as long as I have natural birth, I should be good to go 7-10 days after I have her..I just can't lift and no ab work outs for 4-6 weeks..I can live with that. As long as I can run..I'm money..my mom bought me a jogging stroller...so Morgan has dealt w/ it from the moment she was conceived and now she'll be forced to join me out here...lol...I am teaching her now the importance of exercise :)
Anyways, but we're excited for her arrival...9 weeks to go. It has seemed to fly by, that's for sure. We got moved into our new home this past weekend and it was nice to finally get all of her things out and put up..now we just need to get her room painted. My boss and very good friend Paula is extremely talented as an artist and she's going to do Morgan's border w/ a vine and above it we are going to put scripture up..nothing comforts me more than knowing that my daughter will be sleeping with the word of God surrounding her...
anyways, that's it for an update..we're motoring a long..but it's good..once we get her room painted..I'll put a picture up for all to see.
Be Blessed!

We are now residents of Tarrant County

2007-01-31T06:15:00.000-08:00

What a week for us last week. We sold our home on like a Tuesday, I think we got the word and then we found a home on Saturday. We're moving to Ft. Worth. We are right on the border of Arlington, one exit away. We'll be 8 miles from his parents and about 10 miles from Morgan's school. She can't go to school until she's one..so she'll stay w/ my step mom for the first year. But..it's official. We were very blessed in finding this house. It truly is a testimony in God's goodness. We were getting frustrated with not selling ours..we knew that God was working..but when you want things to happen in your time..it's hard to just wait. But..we ended up landing a new build..there is nothing over in that area except new communities..and KB had first reduced the price a/b 10K and the morning that we went to go look..they had reduced it another 10k, so we walk into this home w/ $20k in equity already. Pretty amazing really. And..our payments are less than we are paying now. It's really a funny story how it all played out..b/c that morning we had gone to look at another KB home in a different community and were going to buy it..but someone had beat us to it..we were mad..we didn't even want to go look at this house..but we reluctantly went..well, this house is in a much nicer community..a lot nicer house..and it was actually cheaper. It's times like that that you realize God is chuckling at you..for doubting..for wondering what He was doing.
We're in a good location..Ryan's school will be close. Our family will be close..and Morgan's school, where she can learn a/b Jesus every day, is very close too. That's all we cared about..was that she was in a good, biblically sound school. In the end, we benefited greatly. God's good..He truly is.
So, we close on the 20th. Now, we have to get our house packed up and get ready to move. Well, I can't really move stuff..but I can pack..
We're excited....and ready to get our daughter's room all ready...then, we'll be patiently waiting for her to join us.

Long awaited update

2007-01-05T05:48:00.000-08:00

Things have been so crazy with the holidays haven't they! We had a great Christmas and New years..the time off was much needed for both of us. The most important thing is that we got to spend a lot of time together...the last few months have been so crazy for us as we have too much really going on. So, it was good to be able to just hang out with Ryan...w/ no interuptions. Agh, but back to reality!
The week before Christmas, Ryan's mom had a stroke. She's doing okay. Some days are better than others, but the good thing is it could have been a lot worse. She is now in a rehab facility where she goes through therapy all day to help with her right side and also her speech. Her expected release date is Feb 5th I believe. She does also have to have surgery as well to clean out some clogged arteries that are in her neck in the next month or so. She is doing well, but she also has a long road ahead of her. It's easy to get discouraged in times like that, but we must be grateful that it wasn't worse.
So, we did spend Christmas in the rehab place with his mom..and then we had Christmas w/ my mom and then my dad's side as well. We got a lot of stuff for the baby. That's all we wanted...Ryan and I don't do without. It was hard to buy for each other, let alone have someone else buy for us. So, we just asked for baby stuff...and boy did we get it. She's already spoiled and she's not even here yet. Speaking of her..I guess you're wondering what her name is huh...
Yep, we have one. We thought long and hard on it..it wasn't easy for Ryan and I to pick a girls name at all. We wanted her to have a biblical name...but when we would sit and look at the names...either we could easily name five people/kids w/ that name..or the name didn't have a good meaning. We didn't want to name her something that had a derogatory meaning. So..I let Ryan name her. He really liked the name Morgan..so we agreed on that..and then we played w/ middle names..and we have decided to name her Morgan Grace. We didn't want her to have a name that everyone else has...but we wanted a biblical name in there somewhere..so that's what we came up with.
My pregnancy is going well, I am a week shy of six months..time is really flying by..that's for sure. We're excited....and impatient to say the least..but we also have a lot to do before she gets here...like find her a house for starters :)
Anyways..so there it is..the long awaited updated. I hope that everyone had a blessed Christmas!

For those that don't know...

2006-12-21T07:37:00.000-08:00

We are having a little girl. Which, we are really pumped about. We actually have known this since week 15, but wanted to wait until we were farther along to get a confirmation. So, all in all..we've had three people confirm for us that it is indeed a girl. Actually, we were told "definately a girl." So, we're excited. Now, just waiting until May..which Ryan and I balance each other out in every aspect except for patience...neither of us have any. We've kind of been dragging our feet with our house stuff...but now that we know what we are having..I want to hurry and sell and buy a new one so we can get her nursery ready. We told everyone that we didn't want any gifts for Christmas..we just wanted things for the baby. So..it's going to be hard to get all these things and then have to box them up...
Speaking of our house...we're using this week to pray about what to do. We've had an incredibly bad experience with our realtor..there are too many things to list out here as to what she has done...so, we don't know what to do. We've had a lot of people look at our home...but we are thinking of maybe renting. There are risks that prior we didn't want to take..but after dealing w/ this lady...we'd almost rather take the risk than give her all this money.
It's frustrating. So, please pray for us...that we just abide in God's will with our home situation.
And pray for Ryan's mom who had a stroke last Friday. She is doing better. She won't be home for Christmas though. She has 80% blockage on one side of her neck and 60% on the other. They will do surgery in a/b a month. She has to go to a rehab center once she is released from the hospital for therapy on her right leg and arm. Otherwise, she's okay. So, please pray for her continued healing.
Have a Merry Christmas!

Back and Running

2006-11-17T12:08:00.000-08:00

So we got home a couple of days ago. Our trip was really, really good. We had a lot of fun exploring and shopping in NYC. And the cruise to the Bahamas was so good. We fell in love with Nassau. We're going to try to go back before the baby is born in late February or March. It was just nice for us to have some time for ourselves. We run a lot. We really do. A lot of times, when we get off work..our day isn't even half way over. Honestly, I was starting to get burnt out. And couple that w/ the fact that I was in the first trimester..the last couple of months have been hard for me. I needed the time away...I needed the time with my husband. And it was good. I just wish it wasn't over.
The trip was good for us also in the sense that we got some time to clear our heads and pray about somethings. Sometimes when you are caught in the midst of something, you get tunnel vision..the truth gets distorted. It's easy to remain in situations b/c it's comfortable. So, we used our time away to be in prayer about certain aspects of our lives and we walked away on the same page. God is good and faithful..and it never ceases to amaze me the confirmations that He provides for you as well.
We're putting our house up for sale. We hate to do it..we like our home..and we love the area we live in. However, when the baby came..we were looking at moving to Burleson..we put the brakes on..and prayed for awhile. What's best for our child is that we are in the Arlington area. The most important thing for us is that our baby is in a Christian school. Not daycare, but a school where they are taught about Jesus every day. Now, I know that while they are little, it may not matter that much..but I also know that I have seen churches that start when the kids are one..just repeating certain lil phrases over and over..that's what we desire for our child. To be raised in that sort of environment. Ryan's mother is a director for school that is in a church and we'll send the baby with his mother and father to school. Plus, Ryan comes from a strong Christian family that is surrounding by so many close friends of believers..that often times, you forget their friends and not family. I think that it's important that our child see that and be apart of that. We know we'll stay there until Ryan is at least done w/ school..and then from there..we'd love to stay over there..but that's not up to us..this is in God's hands.
So..the holidays are coming...the new year will be here before we know it..time flies..it really does...
I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

I know, I am slacker

2006-10-27T07:50:00.000-07:00

No seriously, we've been extremely busy. We have an exciting few weeks coming up. Tomorrow is Ryan's birthday and then next Sunday is our 1 yr anniversary. It has just flown by, I can't believe that it's already here. With that said, I want to say that say that Ryan has been such an amazing man. Seriously. Before we got married, a lot of people told me that there would be somethings that changed about him. But, I can attest that not only has those things not changed, but that he's actually gotten even nicer. I can't believe it. I really didn't think it was possible. But if you recall back to my posts on my confessions..I can tell you that God has used my husband and our marriage to teach me so much about His love. The bible commands husbands to love their wives as Jesus loved the church, and he does. What I find so amazing is that while we've only been married for a year, we've been together for three and in those three years, he has never gotten mad at me. Not once. Even when I think he should have, he hasn't. I have never witnessed Ryan losing his temper, his cool, or raise his voice. The man that everyone sees, is exactly the man that he is. I've witnessed my husband lovingly comfort my friends, family and strangers alike..he never ceases to amaze me at what a good man of God he truly is. If you want to see the Fruits of the Spirit in action 24/7...come see my husband. B/C he lives it. He has shown me more a/b Christ than any other relationship that I have ever witnessed.
So..Ryan, happy Birthday. And Happy Anniversary. Thank you for allowing God's love to pour through you and into my life in ways that I never dreamed. Thank you for allowing yourself to be used to show me how sovereign our Father truly is.
With that said..next Friday we head out of town. We're going to NYC for a couple of days and then we're catching a 7 day cruise to the Bahamas. We're pumped as you can imagine.
The baby is doing well. We're 13 weeks along now and everything looks good. We got to see the baby again on Monday. It was pretty awesome. They said that we have a very entertaining baby :) But everything looks healthy and I am doing really good. So, we can't complain at all.

I know, I know

2006-10-16T12:19:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile huh..well, too much is going on these days..and then couple that with me being exhausted..anyways, things are actually going really well. I really can't complain to be honest. I am now a little over 11 weeks and things look good so far. No morning sickness or anything like that..sure there are days I don't feel good..but I can handle that. I also have school going on..I took 4 classes this semester (2 at a time, I take them for 8 weeks) had I known I would be prego, I don't know that I would have done that, but regardless, I wrap up 2 of the classes today..one of the classes I got an A in and the other should be pretty close..not too bad considering..but I will say, thanks Lisa..you have bailed me out..I owe you one. Ryan's b-day is in 2 weeks..well, a lil under now. Then the following week, Nov 3rd, we leave for NYC for 2 days and then we're catching a 7 day cruise to the Bahamas for our anniversary. We had planned all of this before we found out a/b the baby..I don't know that we would have done it still, but I am glad that we are going..I am in overdrive at this point honestly. It's hard to work, study and do all the other things that we do..I am just really burnt out right now..that's really an understatment too..I need a break from here..from everythng for a few days. It'll be nice to be gone for 10 days and then get back..hopefully with me being in my 2nd trimester then too, I'll be feeling a lot better and then the holidays are coming..so that's good too..this time of year always flies by for me..it'll be Jan before I know it.
Anyways, things are good on the Christopher's end though..we're busy..but what's new right?!

They are too smart to know any better

2006-10-02T11:29:00.000-07:00

Ryan here. I have contemplated writing this for a while now but to be honest blogging is not really my thing. Maybe I am fighting the fad but I know I could never keep one current so I just asked Julie to put this on hers for me!

I have titled the blog, "They are too smart to know any better." You might be familiar with the phrase "They are too young to know any better" or some variation there of. Well this idea of being too "smart to know any better" started after I heard a sermon from a prominent Baptist leader in our community. I decided to listen to this sermon because I have heard of his controversy and wanted to hear it for myself. So I listen and I was amazed at the arrogance this man displayed. He spoke from a wealth of knowledge. He used very large words and spoke with commanding authority. My problem was his "I am right and you are wrong" attitude. Maybe it was not intended, and I should not judge, it just made me start to think. So I observed, as I like to do. I paid attention to some of the most educated religious leaders in our nation. I also paid attention to my wife as she read me excerpts from John MacArthur's book "Fools Gold." Here are my thoughts:

I am 100% for education, shoot I am starting Seminary in the spring and would flirt with doctoral work if I survive the Master of Divinity. So please do not think I am against education. What I am against is the educated forgetting the uneducated. There comes a time for some people where they are so educated on the microscope concepts of our faith that they fail to carry out the basics of our faith. They become detached from the vast majority of society which we are trying to reach. Sure I love getting to know the "non essential" aspects of our faith, it is important, but not to the point where I make others feel bad about their differing opinion.

The basic point I am getting to is that we cannot leave people behind when we advance in our knowledge of God. Many times people get so educated that they forget that there are still people out there struggling with the fact that God exists at all, much less whether having a beer is okay or not, or whether an altar call is biblical.

There comes a time in some people's education where they choose to distance themselves from others. They lose their compassion for the lost and for the kingdom. Instead they are too tied up in the minute details, and find themselves in the middle of senseless arguments.

Basically I am concerned when I hear educated religious leaders taking an arrogant approach to their evangelism. There is no room for arrogance in the gospel, that defeats the purpose all together.

I have a view on predestination, alcohol, traditionalism, and polity in the church. Those are non essentials. I also have a view on salvation by faith, a definite essential, and THAT is to be shared. I pray that no matter how educated I become that I dont lose sight of the lost, that I dont lose sight of the regular Sunday church goer. May my education never get in the way of seeing each person as God's creation....as one who is important because God created them.

Alright, I'll tell

2006-09-26T13:13:00.000-07:00

Well, I really don't have much time..however, I know that I have placed out vague blogs in the last week or so about changes in our lives. The truth is...we're expecting a baby. We're 8 weeks along. We had our first ultrasound and everything looks really good. So..we're coming out a/b it now. We decided to jump on the bandwagon..well, not exactly..but we're excited none the less. And the timing, while at the time seemed to be overwhelming, couldn't have been better b/c due to all of the changes that we have going on..it's made us stop and reevaluate somethings and look at the situation differently. Which is good. Ryan is still going to the seminary..that's the only certain thing at this point.
Anyways, continue to pray for us...and I'll post more when I get a lil bit more time.

Still trucking

2006-09-12T12:55:00.000-07:00

Well, not much has changed since my last post. Honestly, Ryan and I have decided to be still for just a moment to sort through somethings. And to make sure that we are walking in His will. Ryan is for sure going to go to the seminary, that's about all that is certain these days. We are still looking at building a home over that way, but we're not entirely sure that we will move just yet. I have some hesitations now due to a new twist in the Christopher household...we'll be more forth coming about that in the weeks ahead...but what I have learned is that ultimately, God is in control. What's so amazing is that He reveals that power and leaves you standing in awe. I hate posts that are vague..I really do..but I am writing for your prayers. That you pray for us....we have a lot of different things going on now and some days we aren't sure what way is up and what way is down. We need God's provision. Please pray that we are sensitive enough to hear Him during this time. Also, Just pray for protection for us..
Thanks prayer warriors!

2006-08-31T05:52:00.000-07:00

Well, the last few weeks have been a time of confusion...which, if you know me well enough..you'll know that that's not my element..in the least. Flash back a few posts..you'll recall that I said that I had a tendacy to control certain things..well, I like to control my every day life..that's why I am a creature of routine. I prefer to know what my days will look like..and luckily with our lifestyle..I can roughly tell you what the next few weeks will look like for me at any given time. With that said..the last few weeks...God has been teaching me that I have absolutely zero control in the grand scheme of things..none. It's all a waiting game right now. Where are we going to live..what's Ryan's school going to do to our time together on top of all his other responsibilities...and we've encountered some things that we weren't anticipating for our future. With that said..we're back to the drawing board, trying to figure out what is best overall for us. Ultimately, right now...we're riding on faith..and I think that this is what that's about. We are forced to look to the heavens and say perfect trust Father..perfect trust. But in that..we have found joy..such joy and we are anticipating what He has for us in the months ahead.
Please continue to pray for us..that may we be led by the Spirit and that anything that is of the flesh..may it be bound. In Jesus Name...

The awaited update

2006-08-17T05:54:00.000-07:00

We really wanted to wait a few more days or so to get more details, but due to the phone calls and emails..I wanted to put to rest all the speculation. Ryan and I have had an incredible journey..we truly have. God has blessed us and guided us and protected us far more than we deserve.
God has worked in our lives so unique. He builds us up and takes us to a place, that we often think is our final destination, and He shows us that we are just beginning. When Ryan and I first started dating..we were in church. We went..we gave God time when we were able to fit Him in. My walk was far from where it needed to be honestly. That's why when I say had Ryan told me from the beginning that he was called to the ministry..I would had said that is great..but I can't date you. I would have never felt adequate for that. I still don't now honestly, so imagine 3 years ago. So..Ryan and I dated. Then God called him to the ministry...and although I didn't feel adequate or worthy to serve God in that way..I also knew that God called me to be with Ryan. And I loved him so much that I had to trust God that this is what He wanted for both of us.
So..he started back to school..he was blessed with the opportunities that he got at the branch and the leadership he was under and the friendships that he has developed that has made him a better man of God. We took a leap of faith and trusted God and went to Faith Temple. We gave up the comfort of a great church that fed us in ways that we had yet to exp and taught us to see God differently, that gave us the best friendships that we had had since being a couple, and opportunites that at the time..seemed much bigger than we ever thought. But, come January..God started to tug at our hearts and made it be known that our time there was coming to an end..actually, now that I think a/b it..it was in December that this happened. So..come March..it all played out and we went in obedience and faith to Faith Temple. Faith Temple has provided us with far more than we ever expected..I have watched Ryan grow and develop so much over the last few months. I feel that God has been building him up over time..if you know my husband at all...you'll know that he is a humble man. He always thinks less of himself than he is, which I honestly feel is a good quality to have being in the ministry. I admire his heart..his desire to always better himself and to never be content. I think that is why God has called him to a new role...
With that said..Ryan and I both got a word that worship ministry wasn't the end of the road for him that was followed by two confirmations from men that we deeply respect and admire. We've been praying and working through that. We feel that he is called to pastor..what that looks like..we're not sure yet. It's scary to be honest. But, in faith, we're trusting. With that said..he's going to continue DBU this semester. He'll then transfer to Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary in Ft. Worth. He'll get his MDIV and then go on to get his doctorate. What all that looks like..who knows. So with that, we're going to be moving over to that side of town. Right now, we're looking at the Burleson area...we don't know what he will do a/b a job. Right now we think it's best he stay at Fannie Mae and we just commute to work together..he can just drop me off and then go on..but that is all subject to change. We know for certain that he's gonna go to school over there..and that we're gonna move..that's a/b all that we can say for sure right now.
So, with that said..pray for us. I know that we have some mighty prayer warriors out there that we trust to lift us up in prayer..we have a lot of things to sort through and work out right now. We have a lot of questions and there is of course concerns..so please pray that we do not get discouraged while we work out all the details..
I'll keep you updated on our progress as we continue on..
Be blessed!

I Can't Sleep

2006-08-12T21:16:00.000-07:00

That's becoming the norm these days. My mind won't shut off...it's just running and running with scenario's, possibilities...uncertainity. I know in my last blog I eluded to some possible changes in the Christopher's world..we're still praying through it right now. We think we know where God is leading us, but we're trying to be still and sit in this right now and make sure that this is indeed God. So, while everything in me would love to spill the beans...just be patient..I am sure it'll be coming out here pretty soon.
It's funny how different Ryan and I really are..it's times like we're experiencing that I really see it. Not that it's a bad thing..it's just funny to me how different we think..I am totally impulsive, a dreamer..I like to think big..outside the box...I have to go further out and then work my way back in to where I need to be..Ryan on the other hand..is super cautious...he has to work his way out..the whole time he's freaking out too :) It's cute...we totally balance each other out...He reigns me in..and I push him farther than he wants to go..I'm rebellious..he makes me think through my decisions..I make him humor the possibilities...He's a realist..Im a dreamer...He tells me why we can't do things..I tell him why we can...
So between our two very extreme personalities, we usually end up right where God wants us to be..funny how He works that out...
I will ask this out you who read this...pray for us...pray that God makes it abundantly clear what direction He wants us to go...what path He wants us to charter here...and that if He is calling us to this..that we will have the faith and the courage to walk in that obedience with perfect trust. That we be protected as we make this decision and that we can clearly hear His will.
Thanks prayer warriors...

Let's See

2006-08-08T21:05:00.000-07:00

Well, things are going good, really good. My walk is being transformed..once again. It still amazes me that He still amazes me the way that He does so often. I think that for as much as I say I don't put Him in a box, I do every day..to which He breaks out of by revealing Himself to me. I have sat in awe much the last few weeks at His work. It's good..God is good.
Good news...Ryan will be licensed on the 20th. Praise God for that. He'll be able to marry and bury, lol. Next spring he'll then be ordained. Very exciting for him..and I am very, very proud of him. He too, is a product of a life transformed. When we did our get to know you's in small group, that was the first time that I truly saw the hand of God in his life. Pretty amazing that God took a kid who didn't want the ministry and put him there...we were actually talking a/b that tonight though. We're in the process of praying through somethings that affect our future very very much and so we were talking a/b that and the implications of what could happen etc..and it's just funny to think what God has done in us as a couple the past 3 years. I mean, when Ryan and I met, had he told me that he was in the ministry or going to go into it, there is just no way that I would have dated him....I just wouldn't have. It's just awesome...
Otherwise, life is good. Busy, crazy busy....but good. I think we'd be bored anyways if we didn't have the life that we do..we were born to serve...that's our element..so I am honored to serve in the ways that we do.
Be Blessed!

Lessons

2006-08-03T06:38:00.000-07:00

The course of the last few weeks have radically changed my life in so many areas that I don't know that I could possibly blog it all out here. There are a few things that I want to write about for now though.
One, back in March I had Ryan, Mike Nelson, Lisa and Liz pray over me for healing before I had that procedure done to remove those cells. If you know Mike Nelson, you'll understand the next few lines..when we went into the room to pray he just started speaking a lot of things over me..(some things were not for me-some were for Lisa and Liz) and then there were something's that were for me that I firmly rejected. Such as the area of love. Mike said that this time next year, that my life would be completely different and that I will know how to love fully. He addressed a lot of things from my childhood..anyways, at the time, I was like..I know how to love..I am married for pete's sake... I sit now and look back at that time and just sit in awe..God was just prepping my heart for what was to come months later. It took me a few months and God to lead me down some different roads to show me that. Ultimately, it all went back to my childhood...there were and still are some things that I needed to address and heal from in order to take that step out there and be what He has called me to be. Sounds cliche I know, but it's true.
I have a very sweet friend that I want you to pray for...I don't want to say her name..but God knows who she is. He used my blog to have her confront somethings from her past. I just want to tell you..that I am proud of you..thank you for confiding in me and allowing me the privledge to pray over you and with you. Know that I am here to help you and that together..we can get through this. I love you.
Now, here is where things really started to get interesting. A few months ago..I'd say April I guess..I was sitting at work and I had this revelation..this manager from another team was taking over another team next to mine. She had been coming over to my area quite a bit..I thought nothing of it then one day I get this word that we're gonna be friends..you know how sometimes you don't know if it's you or God? So, I was like..if so, have her ask me how my weekend was..prior to this, our conversations had only been a simple hello..so literally 2 seconds later she asked me a/b my weekend..so if that is all that has occured, I would tell you that's cool..a confirmation that you hear God..but it gets better. So..then a week or so later I get an email from a friend of mine that there is an opening on a team of this manager's and that I should try and get it..very long story short, I ended up getting the job. I remember telling Ryan I knew I needed to be on the team..but honestly at this point..while I remembered what had happened prior..I didn't think it was for what it has been so far. I thought it was more for my sanity than anything at the time. So, I get on her team..we talk some a/b my walk..a/b her's..and we share Jesus a lil. Nothing crazy...nothing profound. Then, this past month..God has rocked my world here and once again just shown me how powerful He is and that often times..what we think He's doing is so far off base. So far..so for whatever reason..a couple of days after I posted my blog, I felt like she needed to read it..and I sent it as soon as I felt that b/c I knew if I waited that I would have never done it..I'd say the week or so prior He'd really be doing a work and opening that door for us to develop a friendship..anyways, so she reads it..and from that..He has just really done a lot. Before I go on there..I'll say that you know when God tells you to do something and then you just overthink it to death? That was me w/ PV (her initials) I can't tell you how many times Ryan and I sat and talked this through. I knew what I was called to do..and yet, I let the fear of the fact that she was my boss get in the way..when there is fear, there is no faith right? So, ultimately, I again, just decided to walk in the obedience and follow through. So..anyways..PV and I hung out one night and got dinner and talked..for five hours. God is showing us both somethings..He's working in both of our lives right now..He's breaking down some things..For me, He's using her to show me that I can love with out all of this time invested...see, that's how it was for me in the past...I would not allow myself to really love people unless there was all this time and trust built up..since posting my blog and working through those things and walking in the obedience w/ PV..He's showing me a lot. And He's blessing me with a great friendship..PV "play on" in your walk sister..and thanks for who you are and allowing God to use you to teach me oh so much about myself, about Him, and about my relationships.
God is good like that isn't He? So faithful. I don't fully understand all that God is doing right now..I know it's bigger than I can even imagine..and probably completely different than what I think..but I am humbled and grateful..and I am falling in love all over again with my creator.

Not So Serious

2006-07-25T12:55:00.000-07:00

Well, this post will be nothing like the previous posts...
Although, I will say that it's weird b/c by posting the few previous blogs..God has managed to strip away and break so many chains that were around me that it's been unreal. I have realized much..and for right now, I don't want to post it all out. Simply b/c I am still trying to sort thru some things..figure out exactly what they mean..
I know that most people don't understand..I realized that I was only capable of loving, like really loving people who "put in their dues" so to speak. I kept a wall up, and I didn't allow many to get in and really know me..Ryan and Lisa are probably the only two who knew the whole story..sure, I love many people..I do. I just didn't love them completely..in the sense that I wasn't willing to give them what they gave me...themselves.
Please pray for Element 7. It's a new ministry that we are trying to get up and running..pray that we follow God's will in this.
Blessings

Why I am being Called

2006-07-19T12:34:00.000-07:00

I think I am being asked to confess in such a public manner for many reasons. The most important reason is to give God glory. I am living example of the ways He transforms those that accept Him and believe in Him. I honestly could never do Him justice with my words. The gratitude that I feel in my heart for the ways in which He has redeemed me cannot be measured with words...God is good. Even in the times that He is cleaning me out..and when it hurts..He's not hurting me. Sin is..He has to clean that stuff out so that more and more of Him can fill me up. Isn't that what we as Christians should strive for? To be so full of Jesus? I pray that when you see me, that you won't see the abuse that I endured or the sins that I committed..but that you will see Jesus. That you see how much He loves us..and how holy He truly is.

Scripture tells us to come clean. Moses warned: "You may be sure that your sin will find you out" (Num. 32:23). In an instant, what has been private for many years will become public. Also Secret sin without open confession leads to personal torment. In Psalm 32:3-4, David records the misery of a hidden life: "When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer." That has been me for many, many years.

The most dangerous result of unconfessed sin is the inability to relate to God and His people. In Luke 18:9-14, Jesus told a parable about two men who went to the temple to worship. The Pharisee proudly declared, "God, I thank you that I am not like other men—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get."
The second man, a tax collector, simply said: "God, have mercy on me, a sinner." The Pharisee went away empty and self-deceived. The honest tax collector went away restored and in communion with God. Why? Because he confessed with a heart that had nothing to hide. "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise" (Ps. 51:17).

Confession begins with a view of God's holiness. Many today compare their sinfulness with that of other people, not with the absolute holiness of God. If other people are the standard, I will always make myself look better than I really am. But if God's holiness is the standard, then I fall short every day.

Proverbs 28:13 confirms that "he who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy." The Lord's purpose is to restore, not ruin, a person who is honest before him. That's what I am doing here..confessing as He has called me too..and learning how to heal.
I'm entering the healing process. Those that have been with me this past week can tell you that there is a difference, there is a change. I'm going to ask that you come along my journey with me..and watch me heal..and if you need healing...I pray that you will seek God and enter that with Him.

Father, thank you for recieving me. For calling me into your arms and giving me a warm, safe place to rest. Thank you that you have shown me what I need to come clean to you and to man about. Thank you for providing a strong network for me to fall back on. Lord, you are so many things that I can't put my mind around it..I simply sit here in awe and wonder of your amazing attributes.

Season of Confession

2006-07-18T11:41:00.000-07:00

That is where I find myself these days. I know that I have to confess things that I have buried deep within so that I can heal from all my wounds. This past week has been one of the most remarkable weeks of my life. I have experienced such healing this week in areas of my life that I didn't even know I needed it. Isn't that what He does though! He tells us to do something, and we think we know in all our earthly wisdom why, yet He unfolds His plan in ways that could never ever be contributed to us.
Last night as I was having dinner with a friend and we were talking about all that has occured in me, my life and in the lives of others since the posting of the previous blog. I will say this first..thank you all who sent emails of encouragement. They are much appreciated..and I honestly didn't expect to get the response that I did. For those that have emailed me regarding your own stories..bless you for talking to me..I pray that God will continue to give you the strength to bring it into the light and allow Him to heal you. As I sat there last night, I realized while it's been easy to confess, well, easy isn't a good word b/c it was far from easy. I find it more troubling and trying to post and talk a/b what I did. Things that I had done prior to Jesus. So, I don't know how much I am willing to confess right now. I am going to stop and pray that I speak what He desires me to speak. Because you see, I still struggle at times with my previous sins.
I hurt people. I did. When I was in junior high school, I was kind of a jerk. Ok, not kind of, I was. I actually made a girl go to another school once b/c she told me that her feelings went beyond friendship for me so I spent months harrassing this poor girl. My junior year in high school I did call her up and tell her I was sorry. I know that at the time..she had just clung to me to help her through somethings and she was young and didn't know how to process those emotions. But, even if she did really like me like that..that didn't warrant the hell I put her through for months. I actually need to send her mom an apology note..I mean, she had to endure watching her daughter go through that. I am sure apart of her felt responsible because she was actually the one who told me first. (Wow, I haven't thought a/b that in years). There was a teacher who had a son killed in Vietnam..so I would say "Bang, bang" all the time. Like, what was wrong with me? Seriously. I too, actually sought her out before I graduated and apologized. She was so gracious and said she knew that kids were kids. Then there was another teacher who I was pretty mean too..I made a lot of threats to her..she'd kick me out of class and make me stand with my nose in the corner and tell me how she was going to tell my softball coach..she even went and would send for my friends and tell them not to hang out w. me b/c I was going to pull them down. Like the rest of them, I too, sought her out and I apologized. Her and I went on to be good friends in fact. She's a great lady. Looking back on it, I can see this kid who was just so broken..and so hurt..and wanted the world to feel an inch of what I was feeling. Just a smidge.
High School, I did gain a conscience in the sense that I didn't torment people. I went rather reclusive and had a lot of friends..but few that I ever really let know me. Sports was a huge outlet for me. And it kept me out of a lot of trouble and helped me gained some confidence in my life.
I drank in high school..actually, I started drinking in junior high school. I started smoking pot in high school. Well, come to think of it..I smoked pot in junior high too. Drinking would later go on and be a huge issue for me. I have an addictive personality...I come from a family of alcoholics..and alcohol let me hide my pain. It allowed me time to be free for a moment..when I would drink..the darkness would seem to disappear. I could laugh..I could smile..I could feel. Once I was in college..I needed it to let me feel. I needed it so I could stop hurting for just a moment. I use to always say "A drunk body is a sober mind" b/c it would allow me to open and honest with what I felt..with what I wanted to say. I needed it to even show emotion..or gratitude towards people. And come to think of it..it was still that way when Ryan and I first started dating. He use to tell me that I was much more affectionate and sweet when I would have a drink. I can tell you today, that I am free of that. Honestly, I hardly drink at all now..and I haven't been drunk in years. I still have a glass of wine..I like it okay :) But, it's not needed to feel anymore. Jesus has taught me how to feel..and He's teaching me everyday how to love. For a long time, when Ryan and I first started dating..I didn't know how to recieve his love. I just didn't. The boys that I dated seriously..they showed me by sleeping w/ me..and he was different. Whew..okay, there I said it. When Ryan and I were married..I wasn't a virgin. I know, big surprise...well, for some of you..it may be. Anyways, that aspect of my life is an area of my life I don't like to talk about. I just don't. Maybe because I love Ryan so much...and it pains me to know that I wasn't able to save that for just him..I don't know. After he and I had been dating for month..I told him. I didn't want a facade built a/r me..he has never known me w/o Jesus. So..I told him and I told him I'd tell him whatever he needed to know, no matter how much it would kill me to talk a/b it..and he was ever so kind and just said that it didn't matter and he didn't need to know.
I stopped typing for a moment..trying to convince myself to remove this last part and thinking of other things that I don't want to admit. The kid that I talked about in my previous blog..His name was Nate. After we broke up..I continued to sleep w/ him. For probably about a year. Eventually, it became apparent that neither of us were enjoying it..it had become too painful and we parted ways for good. That's really, really hard for me to say that. To say that I ever did that. But I did. And Jesus forgives me.
You see, what I see looking back on my life..is Jesus. For all the wrong that I did..all the pain..I see Him. I see His hands in my life...I see Him moving and doing all these things to get me to a place where He could show me who He was. And He did..and I prayed that prayer..and I believed in Him. And He has spent the past five years teaching me who He is..who He is in our world..and who He is in my life.
I am just now learning that I didn't just have others to forgive..I have myself to forgive. I am still working on that.
Father, thank you for reminding me of who I was..of who I am..for who You are...my life shows nothing but your mercy and grace. It is so full of it, that this little blog could never, ever give it justice. Yet, I will try.

Getting to Know Me

2006-07-11T18:31:00.000-07:00

I realized something today. Most people who read my blog don't know a lot of who I am or who I was. For a long time, that was true because I myself didn't know how to cope with certain things so I would just not deal with it. I am much like my father..non confrontational. I prefer to let things go..which isn't healthy either b/c what happens is that I let a lot go..then I get upset and then it all comes out..so this past year has been spent learning to address issues as they arise..deal with it then and then just move on. I'm still working through that..it's hard to just get rid of years and years of unhealthy habits. But in order for me to get here..I had to confront my past..and it was painful at times..it was difficult. But through it all..I've experienced healing and walk in freedoms that I didn't know. I'm still a work in progress, yet, I think it's always going to be that way..I mean..I am human. With that..I think it's important that you know me. I have no idea how long this blog will take me to complete. What all I will say..or won't..but I promise that it'll be real..I won't be writing to impress or pull feelings out of you..I'm going to write from my heart..so you know who I am. Because what I have learned..is that by keeping it in it's with holding glory to God. That's unfair to Him..b/c He's worked and moved in very, very amazing ways in my life. So, with that..I'll begin my story...and I'll say this..I'm going to speak unapologetically..and more importantly..I don't want you to feel sorry for me..that's not my aim. I believe I was allowed to endure my trials so that I can minister to women..Lewis said something the other night that really hit home..he said that when we sin..it causes damage and it creates baggage. My past is a product of that..my own sin and the sins of others. So..here we go..I was born here in Dallas..my parents were married at the time. I actually have memories from early childhood..I think it's because they were so tramatic. I can remember a time before my brother was here..and we are 26 months apart..so I am not sure exactly how old I was..but my mom was going to leave my dad..my mom had me up on the dryer getting some clothes together when my father walked in w/ a knife telling us how he had slit the tires to the car and that we wouldn't be going anywhere. My mom called my grandpa and then we went outside in the front yard where we were met by my dad who was now yielding a gun and he put it to his head and proceeded to tell me goodbye and that he loved me and how this was my mom's fault b/c we were leaving. I don't know why exactly I remember that so clearly today. It doesn't invoke any feelings from me today..except that my dad was nuts then. Then I remember my father abusing my mother. I don't know how old I was..my parents divorced before I was three..so sometime before then. What I remember is her face..mascara all over it as she cries uncontrollably..and when he would shake her..it would make her buttons on her shirt open and when he would leave her alone I would stand up on the couch and button her shirt back up. Maybe I thought I was fixing her..I don't know..then one of his friends stopped by to visit and saw what was going on and confronted my dad. They proceeded to fist fight in the living room. I remember the coffee table being broken. When I lived with my parents..we lived in filth. Trash everywhere..I can remember rats everywhere. Probably why I am so scared of them today. Once they seperated, my mom threw herself at guys. I can remember once her and a guy stayed in her bedroom all day long w/ us free to roam a/r the house as we pleased. A 4 yr old and a 2 yr old. We'd knock on the door and the guy would answer it w/ a sheet a/r him. Rejection..that's when I started to realize that we were just a burden. For as much as a 4 year old could understand. Once my parents seperated, we went wherever someone would take us..usually we would be seperated.Anyways, so my mom and dad divorced. She lost the house and we moved to this apartment where we lived with her and a friend. Now, up until this point..sure my life hadn't been roses..but I wouldn't characterize it as damaging...but given the events that were to occur in the future..I guess we'll never know. My mom's friend had a boyfriend who would watch us sometimes. It is here, in these times I am exposed to just how sick people can be. This man molested me. He never penetrated me, but he would force me to do things to him. And he in turn would do things to me..what is so troubling about remembering this is that there was a time that my brother who was about 2 at the time was watching the whole thing....I just remember him standing there and never saying anything. Now, I can't quite remember time frames then becuase of my age. What I do know is that I was a/r 4. Also, a/r 4 my mother got a b/f who had a son who was in junior high or high school. I don't know for sure. I know what my perspective was then, but to a 4 yr old..who knows. Anyways, this young man would also do things to me. He would however penetrate me..not only vaginally but also anally. Now, the fact that I can actually write these words is really good. And it's a testimony to how God has healed me of this. Right before Ryan and I were married..I was told by God I needed to tell Ryan this. Up until this point in my life..that aspect of my life was not acknowledged, not even by me. I tried for a long time to convince myself that it didn't affect me, that it didn't matter. When God told me to tell Ryan I was working out..(for some reason I hear Him the most and the clearest during this time) anyways, so I went back to my desk at work and sat down and decided that God told me I needed to do this..and I knew if I didn't do it right then, that I would wait and convince myself that I didn't need to. As I wrote him the email..tears just started pouring as I sat and saw the words in the email..it was in that moment did I realize just how wounded I was. Ryan was of course gracious..and he handled the situation perfectly. He never ever pushes me..he always waits for me to tell him what I feel is important. The only thing he asked me was if there was something that he needed to know in terms of what aspects of our marriage would be affected..which I am happy to say none today :) Anyways, carrying on..so when I was five I will say that my mom had the sense to send me to live w/ my grandparents...for the next five years that's where I would remain and I had a relatively normal and happy childhood. Actually, during this time..I was actually known for always smiling..that was my trademark. During this time I usually saw my mom a/b once a year..and I did see my dad every other weekend. When I was 10 my mom came back a/r and we would stay w/ her on a part time basis. When I was 11 she decided she wanted us to come back home with her. My grandparents asked that the transition be slow, gradual and on our terms. My mom compromised and moved 5 houses down from them so that we would have them right there. When I was 12 we did move in with her. Right after, she got a b/f who didn't like kids..and to save you from all the details..one morning before school he proceeded to place his hands on me and left bruises. It was from these events that I was placed in Buckner's Children's Home in Dallas. That experience has changed my life..and perhaps after this post, I will post specifically about that experience and some other things related, but to keep this on track..I will continue. My mom was fighting my grandparents on getting custody and my case worker was explaining to me how long it would take for my grandparents to get us..but that my mom had agreed to let my dad come from Ohio and get custody of us and she wouldn't fight him. At that point, I was desperate. They could have said that they would send me to the North Pole and I would have said okay...so my dad came and we ended up going with him to the Buckeye state. So Ohio...that was a really confusing time for me. Shortly after we arrived, my father and his wife seperated. My brother hated it in Ohio and had pulled enough stunts that my dad agreed to let my brother return to Dallas. I wanted too..I really did..but the one thing w/ me that is that I am loyal..no matter what. Perhaps it's b/c I felt betrayed and abandoned all my life, I don't know..but I didn't go back..I felt bad..I didn't want him to be alone. He however, got addicted to crack cocaine and was an alcoholic. So, he was rather absent from my life. He wouldn't come home for days. I lived in the country..and when I say country..I mean no grocery store in our town, no gas station...neighbors were miles apart. My friends parents would bring me groceries b/c he wouldn't be a/r. I would do whatever I wanted to...I was in junior high and I had the freedom to leave my house at any time that I wanted and return at anytime I desired. I am lucky that I was an athlete..it kept me out of a lot of trouble..and the fact that I witnessed one too many friends have crazy trips on drugs..it scared me enough to stay relatively out of trouble. I did drink a lot..I did smoke pot...but that was about as crazy that I got. And considering what I could have gotten into..I think I did pretty good. When I got to high school..I decided to go to my friends house and then I ended up staying for the summer. My dad never called to tell me to come home, so I stayed. Come September, I felt bad..I wanted to talk to my dad so I had my friend take me back home to find out that he had moved...I will never, ever in my life forget that feeling..and remembering the defeaning silence on the way home..I know Nikki felt horrible, and didn't know what to say and I didn't know how to process what I was feeling at the time..I guess I should also mention that a lot of the reason I stayed with Nikki is because she was rather insistent b/c I was so depressed that I wanted to committ suicide. I held that gun in my hand so many times...so many..thank God I never had it in me to pull the trigger. So, I finally heard from my dad..he dropped a letter in the Lohr's mailbox and said "come and see me sometime" nice...At the age of 17 I was officially emancipated by the state of Ohio.At the end of my junior year in high school I started to date a kid and it was really serious. I passed up some opportunties to play softball in college to stay close to home b/c of him..our relationship, although unhealthy, was a blessing in the sense that he kept me out of a lot of trouble the rest of high school. I didn't know how to process a lot of my emotions and he kept me from drinking and doing drugs and whatever else. So, I go to college though and we ended up breaking up. I wanted to marry this kid...I thought I would..but after I went to Kent State..there was this feeling that something was just off..it just wasn't right. So we broke up..and even though we broke up we were still together for the next year or so until enough was enough..looking back on it now..it was God working..b/c had we stayed together..I don't know if I would have found Christ as he is not a believer, not even today. Anyways, so we broke up and I resorted back to drinking a lot...among other things...it was during this time that God really started to call me out...In high school I was blessed with some really strong Christian friends who never, ever judged me although I lived a completely different life than them..they just loved me..they planted seeds that would produce fruit years later. My sophmore year of college He started to pull me out..Some friends started to challenge my views..as by this point..I was very anti-God..I couldn't possibly fathom a just and loving God after my childhood. In my mind, it was really, really hard to comprehend this just and loving God who would allow this to happen to me. Because the thing is, I touched all the major events in my life here in this post..but there were and still are so many words that have stuck w/ me...so many other smaller events that have occured that I still remember. At that time in my life..I felt alone..you see my family had turned on me when I got emancipated. "Barnett's don't do that" I was told. They would call the family that I stayed with drunk and threaten to kill them and stuff..It was horrible. When I was still in high school we had to notify the police b/c of some threats that were made to even me..I was constantly monitored in high school. School officials knew where I was at all moments. Anyways, so at this time..I felt like I didn't belong anywhere..I had never really known what love really looked like so it was almost impossible for me to understand how a God could love me. So..my friend Sarah challenges me one night. She went through all the reasons that I didn't believe. She never refuted me..she never told me I was wrong..she just simply said that when I was ready, that He was there. I told her as I left that I just couldn't put my faith in something that I can't feel, I can't see...if there was a God He would have to prove it to me...I left. On my way home I felt the urge to pull over to a payphone. I reluctantly went because at the time, it seemed absurd to me to go. On top of the pay phone was a little booklet that was called the Execution. It talked and explained a lot of things about Jesus. So, momentrily this was my "sign". I said I believed. Yet, I had no one to disciple me..or hold me accountable and shortly there after the enemy came and turned what happened into doubt, a "mere coincidence" I would say. I went on living my life of rebellion. Fast forward a couple of years...Lisa and I are on our way to work at Allstate in Ohio. I was frustrated with my life..at that time actually I was horribly depressed. I can remember telling her so many days how I was dying. I truly felt that. So anyways, I am venting to Lisa the whole 45 minute ride. At the end of the convo, I said I just wish God would tell me what to do..why I said that, I'll never know..b/c Lord knows I wasn't a believer..yet, in my rebellion even against Him..He was with me..and He heard me. A couple of weeks later I am sitting at work talking to a man in Georgia a/b a claim. At the end of the convo he asked me if I could turn off the recording. I told him I couldn't...and then he asked me something about church and I was short with him b/c I am thinking..what does this guy want..seriously. Then he asked me if I knew what modern prophecy was..I said no..he said well that's when you ask God questions and He answers those questions to you through someone else and then he went on to tell me about my conversation a couple of weeks earlier that I had had with Lisa...and he told me what God wanted from me...Now, I sat in stunned silence. All I could say to this guy was you have a good day sir and I hung up. I went and grabbed Lisa...I needed a smoke after that..and I recalled to her all that was said..most would ask when I accepted Jesus after that..and I will tell you it took some time..It took me moving back to Texas months later...and took the Holy Spirit teaching me and Lisa just who He is. I feel blessed to have the testimony that I have...and most times I simply ask God in awe, why me? Anyways..I tell you all of this for a few reasons..I am trying to break down walls and barriers. A few people really know me..most times I keep a wall up...letting a few "select" in..I realize how weak that truly makes me. I am protecting myself and telling God that I don't trust who you send into my life..Ultimately it's a control issue. See, I had no control as I child..and in that, some bad things happened to me. So there are aspects of my life that I tend to try to control..situations that I try to control...and I don't want to control anymore..I just don't. And I felt God tell me a few weeks ago to publish this..and I feel that this is important for two reasons..1) Confession leads to healing 2) God has revealed this past week what He wants me to do long term..and it's a stretch for me..when I got the word I was like no way, absolutely not..there is no way I can do this..yet, I think that's why..b/c it'll be all Him and none of me..and this is a stepping stone to His calling.I am trying to get to a place where I no longer inhibit His call on my life..and not my call long term wise per say, just in the every day ways that I fail. I can tell you that when I truly looked at myself within, I was disgusted. I found a self-righteous chick who thought she had it all figured out..and I am learning that that mentality is what kept me from healing and dealing. Here is something interesting that I read in a book called The Good Life "Empirical research supports the conclusion that people need each other. 33 scientists investigated the relationship b/w human development and community, reporting their findings in a 2003 report, Hardwired to Connect. The report argues that all children need authorative communities devoted to transmitting a model of the moral life. Without loving connection-to people and institutions that give children moral and spiritual guidance-children become prone to psychiatric disorders that develop in late adolescence." What I have realized this past year is that it's okay to say that my childhood hurt..for so long I pretended that I was fine..for so long I acted like it was no big deal. Pride..it'll ruin you if you allow it. So, for those that read this..I want you to know me..I want you to know who I am..but more importantly..this is about Christ. Look at my life..seriously..it's a testimony to His goodness, to His faithfulness, to His love and His mercy. When I recall all of these events..I stand in awe of Him..He is a good and just God and although I don't understand it..I am always given this scripture Genesis 50:20 "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives". For awhile, I never got that..but I do now..especially as He has layed ouy my future. Jesus, thank you for the ways that you have made yourself so evident in my life..thank You for Your grace and mercy and I pray that you continue to remove from me what is not of you..and that you continue to build me up as you would have me..Ryan and friends..thank you for the ways that you love me..I am so blessed to have you all..b/c it is through my husband, my best friend, and my many other friends that God has and is proving just how faithful He is and showing me what love is...Please be patient with me as I work through this..and as I walk in boldness to what He has called me too..Blessings, JC

The Joshua Project

2006-07-11T12:44:00.000-07:00

I had to write a paper regarding the topic of unevangelized people...whether or not they are saved or not. While doing that, I started thinking..why don't we as Chrisitians do more?

I found this group called the Joshua Project. Even if you can't contribute, you can pray..we all can..this is a great group who's focus is to reach all of these unevangelized people. Check it out

http://www.joshuaproject.net/

MIA

2006-07-02T15:39:00.000-07:00

I know it's been awhile....actually I have been working on another blog that is taking me much longer to write..one that is hard to write...yet one that I have been called to write. I ask that you pray that I have the courage to publish the blog once it is complete.
Anyways, things are good. I just got home from a week away. It was nice to get away. Our lives are so crazy..it really is and when I get away I realize just how much we run and just how full our plates have been. However, while I needed the breather..I feel that I have been replenished and that I am ready to continue on with the Lord's work.
God is good. He truly is. Last summer, a few of us went camping outside of Glen Rose. The night we got there, we did a praise and worship/contemplation night. You could feel His presence there. As we were there, I heard Him tell me that I would be a prayer warrior. I almost laughed at that...while I prayed and I sought prayer..I wouldn't say at that time that I lifted everything up..it was more routine and habit than anything. While I can't say that I have mastered prayer, I can tell you that I have improved so much in this area since that time. I was thinking of that the other day..Lisa said that she knew I loved intercessory prayer and I said yeah b/c God never fails to answer. And then He reminded me of that night last summer...prayer at that time was probably my biggest weakness and now it's one of my greatest strengths. It's a testimony to who He is..
Anyways, I wrapped up my first theology class. Great class..and I learned so so much. I started my second theology class this past week and it never ceases to amaze me how the Holy Spirit works. There have been some issues that have been heavy on my heart the last few months. Being in ministry we are exposed to a lot of things and a lot of people...and when that happens you have alot of "man's" beliefs being thrown at you. My heart is burdened for our church..and not Faith Temple..but THE church..the body of Christ. I don't understand somethings....I don't understand why there are those that push this emotional experience, but don't educate the body. I could honestly write a tangent on this..however, today I was studying for theology and I came across this in my book called Theology for Today by Elmer Towns..he quotes Martyn Lloyd-Jones
"Another important principle is that in presenting the Christian gospel we never, in the first place, make a direct approach to either the emotions or go to the will. The emotions and the will should always be influenced through the mind. Truth is intended to come to the mind. The normal course is for the emotions and the will to be affected by the truth after it has entered and gripped the mind. It seems to me that this is a principle of Holy Scripture"
Further, I just want to add this..Jesus teaches that miracles (Matt 11:20, 21) even the coming of one from the dead (Luke 16:30, 31) are INSUFFICIENT to produce repentance. But the word of God (Luke 16:30, 31) the preaching of the gospel (Matt 12:41, Luke 24:47, Acts 2:37, 38, 2 Tim 2:25), the goodness of God toward His creatures (Rom 2:4, 2 Pet 3:9) the chastisement of the Lord (Rev 3:19; Heb 12:10, 11) belief of the truth (Jonah 3:5) are definite means that God uses to produce repentance.
I am not saying that miracles and wonders and signs can't be used..I know that they can. But what I am saying..is that as a former non-believer..I bared witness to MANY miracles..so many that I can't believe I didn't just fall on my face and repent..I thought a/b that..I was subjected to emotional pleas and saw some things that could only come from God..and sure, I said that "sinners prayer" so many times I lost count..but I was never really saved..why..b/c I didn't really believe it..and why didn't I believe it? B/C I didn't know God..I didn't know His word. I didn't find my faith or Jesus until I sat down in my apartment and opened the word and learned who He was..I encourage you to not just lead people through a prayer, but to disciple them. It takes time..it takes patience..but if we really buy into this..isn't that what we want? For others to know Him as we do? I have been so blessed here lately walking different people through the gospel...I've probably gotten more out of it than they have (isn't that what usually happens :) but I've been reminded of the commission..to make disciples..to build them up...to equip them with knowledge..which is the word.
I have been humbled so much so the last couple of months as I have been so blessed to see God work in the lives around me. I can remember being educated by a couple about Jesus, while they did help me a lot, they also did a lot of damage. They taught me to expect many things in my walk..there was this sense of entitlement...I sat thinking of them the other day and how they have actually fallen away last I heard...which is sad b/c this couple grew up in the church and had Jesus all over them for a time..however, I think that when you preach entitlement and you preach these expectations..when things dont go that way...satan attacks and turns disappointment into doubt. From the scripture..I can't fathom any entitlement or expectations, well, I do expect death. I am a sinner..the worse of the worse..who thru the love of a forgiving and merciful father..I am inheriting life with Him..that I do not deserve. The message is so simple...and yet, often times we forget how powerful it is...
Jesus, I don't deserve you...and you deserve so much more than I could ever give you.

I'm spoiled

2006-06-11T15:21:00.000-07:00

My birthday was Friday. I have been treated to three days of birthday events. No complaints here. Friday I took off..slept in..well, till 8 but considering I am usually up at 5am..that's sleeping in. I went running, then met Lisa for breakfast and then we headed to get pedicures and we went shopping. Then we came back to my house and hung out. Then Ryan and I went to Truluck's for dinner..so good. Then headed home to what I thought was going to just be he and I..however, he and some friends had succesfully organized a lil surprise get together with a few of our good friends. It was perfect...Saturday Ryan and I went to breakfast and then went to get massages together and then we went shopping together. Then he and I and Lisa met my mom for dinner Saturday night and then we headed home. Sunday, we went to church and then went to my grandparents where they had lunch for me and I got more gifts...seriously..I felt very spoiled..and was reminded of how much I have.
Anyways...great weekend..thank you all who was apart of my weekend and for the gifts..your friendship is more than enough..I appreciate you all and love you all very much.
Ryan, thank you for trying to make the day so special. For going out of your way to show your love for me...and Lisa...thank you for taking off work to hang with me and for all your work with the party. Kamara, thank you for all your help with the party and for the idea on the ice cream cake!!!...you guys rock...
Side note..I am studying satanolgy and angelogy right now in my theology class. This stuff is shattering a lot of things that I was taught in the earliest stages of my walk...Be on the look out for some posts on this..there is some good things to talk a/b...
Be blessed!

Religion

2006-06-06T06:36:00.000-07:00

That's my major. And this past year has just radically changed my life in regards to how I see God and how I see the bible. And luckily, Lisa is taking the same courses, so it helps to confirm the way that the spirit is working. You see..we delve behind the face value of scripture and we have been learning a/b context, history, and what was really being said and why it was being said. It's revolutionizing my walk with God.
Ryan has a friend in the seminary. He told us how after they took Greek and started to have to translate Greek that some people quit school and even lost their faith. At the time, I thought how shallow their faith must be. Well, I am starting to understand and I am not even nearly as deep as he was at the time. Now, please don't misunderstand and think that I doubting the Word. Quite contrary, it's having me believe even more so and it's also having me see God. What I do doubt is a lot of translations that I began with. I am understanding for the first time what He was really trying to tell His people. It is however, having me realize how much religion influences people and their actions more so than God does. Further, if you read the original text in Hebrew and Greek..you will find that things look quite a bit different than some of our bibles that we read out of today. Which is why I think that some texts are abused...we've been learning how words were added or taken away from the original texts..and honestly..it completely alters it.
Praise God for the revelation. What I like a/b our classes..is that they don't really teach. Well, I mean they do in a sense..but what they give us is an idea..or scripture and then send us out and they say figure it out. They allow the Holy Spirit to teach us. And in that..I am learning more than I ever thought possible. I thought, I'll get this degree..to hang on my wall..but God has said..you'll get this degree to hang in your heart.
Praise God..for the way in which He challenges us..for the way in which He reveals Himself. If you are daring..and are wanting Him to change some of your thinking...research the original texts. I promise you you will be challenged..you will be silenced...yet, you will see God.

Bill Reese

2006-06-01T20:18:00.000-07:00

There was an article in the Dallas Morning News a couple of weeks ago about a man named Bill Reese. Perhaps you caught it..if you didn't, I pray that you will read the link I am providing. Bill found out that he had an aggressive form of cancer and he was told he had a month to live. He made it 1 month and a day. Ryan originally had me read the article. He circled it and told me to check it out. Honestly, I read it and I was moved..he talked about how he was ok with dying because he knew where he was going. He was a strong Christian per the article..honestly, when I read it..I thought that's sad but I really didn't give it much more thought. I mean, we see and hear these tragic stories every day. Today Ryan told me that Bill passed and that reading his blog, it choked him up. He told me how they were holding worship services in his hospital room and how that the evening that he died, they held a worship service there in his home..where he had just passed. I am going to include the link...it's sad..but..really it shows such a remarkable act of faith..we should all rejoice as this family. Please pray for his family...
http://www.inhiscompany.com/reese/

Venice

2006-05-20T10:01:00.000-07:00

Every Saturday morning Ryan and I have this routine where we take our bibles to this lil cafe near our home and eat breakfast and read the word together (we actually do this every morning before work together, but we have breakfast at home during the week). This morning we actually forgot our bibles and when we sat down there were some guys behind us that were studying the word and we were like oh man, we should have brought ours. Anyways, our food arrives and this guy approaches the 3 men at the booth and asks them if they are evangelists and they said "No, we're just Christians" and he says can I ask you a question and he said "who did Cain marry?" and the guys just sat there and said they didn't know. From there the man started asking them a ton of questions regarding our faith, regarding Christians in general, and the church. He was very combative and wasn't really looking for an answer..he just wanted to antagonize. I got up and went up to them b/c the men at the table were doing their best..but they just kept coming back at him w/ the bible, which he doesn't believe in. I saw myself in this man...so as these 3 guys tried their best...I knew it was falling on deaf ears so I got up and I told him I knew what he was thinking..what he was feeling and that I knew that the bible meant nothing to him right now which he agreed. I shared my testimony and that stopped him from saying things like God doesn't talk to His people...from their he attacked Christians..he attacked the church. And to be honest, I agreed with everything that he said. Unfornately we are our own worst enemy...and he had a lot of valid points and a lot of feelings that I too hold even on this side. So..I think us being in agreement w/ him on that helped calm him down quite a bit. All of that to say..at the end of the 25 minute conversation..here we are standing in the middle of this mom and pop shop sharing the gospel..it's such a small place that everyone could hear us..the owner kept saying your food is getting cold trying to diffuse the situation...but I asked him if he'd meet us this week for dinner..and I told him to bring his questions and we'd do our best to answer them. He did agree in the moment. His name is Venice. He's from NY and he's leaving at the end of the week. It's our prayer that Venice will meet us for dinner. That he will bring his questions..and that he'll have an open heart. We know that he may not accept Christ at the end of our time together..and if he's anything like me..prob not the next day either. I pray that he will however..find Christ. That we can help him on his journey. When we were wrapping up our talk, he showed us 2 tattoos that he had. He said that his grandma was his god and that he believed everything that she told him except about Jesus. He has an angel tattoed on his shoulder and praying hands on his chest in remembrance of his grandma. In that moment, I was reminded of myself. My Nanny...and how this man's grandma's prob prayed and prayed for him. And how I was saved through vicarious faith. It is my prayer that Venice's grandma's prayers shall be answered even though she has gone and passed. That they can be reunited in heaven. Venice is searching. I could see it in his eyes. He didn't even eat one bite of his breakfast to talk a/b God. If he really didn't believe as he was trying ot convince us...then he wouldn't have approached that table..he wouldn't of missed his meal...
Venice..God is calling you home son. You are His child and you are loved. Continue on your pursuit of Him. Father, open Venice's heart, open his eyes. Father, have Venice agree to meet us when we call him today Lord. Have your spirit guide this situation and may the heaven's rejoice when this sheep, when Venice, is found. In Jesus' name.

Please pray for Venice...

.....

2006-05-13T20:43:00.000-07:00

Well, well, well....I don't even know where to begin as so much has occured the last two weeks. Last weekend Ryan and I got out of town..we rented a cabin on the lake and just relaxed. We got to spend some much needed time alone. And...we got sleep. That is one word the Christopher's have eliminated from our vocabulary. So...that was nice. And we got to fish which is one thing that I absolutely love to do. I caught some catfish. I threw them back though...I always feel bad.
Regarding my health...everything is good. I got released at the end of April to resume a normal life..and things have been fine ever since. I'll have to continue to get tested for the next 2 years to make sure that the cells don't return, but otherwise...clean bill of health.
Otherwise...things are going well. Busy as always...that's the Christopher way. The other day our dog Duke was eating...well he likes to go get food and as he is eating he runs arounds and plays..it's weird. He goes back and gets another bite and then goes and runs a/r..Ryan was commenting on how that's weird that he does that and I said no..he's a Christopher dog..he just follows after us...always on the go..lol.
School is going really well. I really enjoy my classes and I am learning so much...it's so interesting to delve beyond just what we see on the pages of the bible and to learn about the context and history of what God was and is saying to His people. My eyes have just been open to who He is new and different ways every day. And it's interesting to learn about all the different views within our own community. Like I had no idea that there are like 6 different ways you can view inerrancy..I thought it was either you thought that the bible is inerrant or you don't...but that's not the case. Anyways..eye opening. And b/w me in school and Ryan in school...this house is never not talking about God. We're overflowing right now..which is good.
Otherwise, life is good. God is good...
To all our Branch friends...we miss you guys. You are thought of and talked about so often. You are very loved by us...and missed so much. Maybe one of these days life won't be so crazy and we can catch up...until then...may you be blessed with peace and joy and may you overflow with God's spirit.
Be blessed!

6 Months

2006-05-05T12:27:00.000-07:00

Today Ryan and I have been married for 6 months. I received 6 beautiful roses today at work and tonight we're geading out of town..to a cabin on a lake for the weekend to spend some much needed QT. Ryan is incredibly sweet and makes it so easy to love. Ryan, thank you for the past 6 months (and the past 2 1/2 years) Thank you for being the man that you are..and loving me the way that you do.

Glory

2006-04-28T10:49:00.000-07:00

I think God is really trying to tell me somethings...especially about discpleship. After my last post, Sunday night Lewis gave a mini-sermon (yes, we have Sunday night church) about not just leading people to Jesus, praying w/ them and them sending them on their way. But that we are called to discple them. So, I think that was a call to me but also to some things that the Father is working in that church. I love to see Him working and bringing His people to the same page. It's confirmation for us that the Lord is indeed working because between Ryan, myself, Lewis and His wife...the Lord is giving us all things seperately..we come together and literally...it's the same things. Just like at Easter..for the Friday night service Lewis had a list, Ryan had a list of ideas..once they compared them..line for line..the same thing. How awesome is that! How neat it is to see Him having His will in our church and in our lives. So, discipleship..something that He desires. Something I can testify in my own life how important it is. Just for that accountability as a new believer.
Anyways, I was listening to this song the other day and it says something to the effect "do whatever you will in my life to bring you glory". I sat there for minute....humbled and unable to speak or sing. I realized that I don't have that faith. I don't have the faith to say Lord, do whatever you want in me and in my life to bring glory to yourself. I wish I could sit here and say I did...but I don't. I mean I could think of a ton of things that I don't want to happen and that I honestly could not sit here and say Lord, take ________ if it brings you glory. And I realized that is the kind of faith He wants. Faith that says no matter what, perfect trust and that I can stand before You and have no doubts and continue to praise my Father.
The last few months have been about trust b/w me and the Father. I have already given Him reign in something that was hard to do and even more so for Ryan. But, w/ perfect trust we have walked in obedience in what He asked for. Through that, He has said well done, well done. And we have been driven deeper and deeper into union with Him.
Lewis gave me a very good illustration the other night...We were talking about how discouraging it is to see ministry's watering down the gospel or only talking a/b the parts that make people feel good. How edification has been abused and how it's not a/b making us feel good, that rebuking is just as, if not more important in edification. I mean, if your kid is doing drugs..do you keep praising them and never rebuke that? Of course not, but in our feel good society, the church has bought into that in some instances as well. Anyways, Lewis said...Jesus is the potter. Think of making pottery..if we just sat there and never pressed in and never applied pressure on the pottery..it could never be made into a beautiful piece like a vase or a bowl. That's what Jesus does..He presses in..He brings us through trials and makes us into something beautiful.

Anyways, on a side note..and a funny one. I am not sure why I find this so funny but I do. Yesterday I was away from my desk from 8-11. I came in to work @ 6am so Ryan and I barely spoke. When I got back to my desk I had a v/m from him that says something to the effect "You have the truck keys in the explorer. I couldn't find anyone to take me to work, so I had to take a cab and you need to pick me up" Now I am not quite so sure why I find this so funny..but I do. I am cracking up as I write this. I called him and I was laughing so hard I couldn't talk and I started crying. I can just see him riding in the cab and getting dropped off. LOL...sorry baby..but it was funny :) Come on..admit it.

"If"

2006-04-24T12:20:00.000-07:00

"If you are not going to obey God, you might as well not even pray."

I was reading an article about "compromising Christians" this weekend and it had that statement in there. I was floored. In a good way. I sat and thought for a moment in my own life what areas has God answered me on..or set before me a path that I have refused to go down and continue to pray to Him..as if I can get Him to change His mind. I can tell you that was the case in my relationship with Ryan. I knew what was being said..I knew the path I was to charter..yet, I didn't think that I wanted to..yet, the Lord was persistent. I never got my "answered prayer"...at least not in the way I thought that I wanted it..and thank God I didn't. I have ended up with a beautiful marriage. I have been blessed with a wonderful man. All the things that I said he wasn't..God has proved he is 10 times over..all of that to say..that's the one that sticks out in my mind the most.
I know that there are other things that I pray a/b..that I get answered on..yet, I continue to pray...hoping it's not so..then God is quiet and I wonder..where is He? Why isn't He answering. I just realized this weekend that a lot of times...He does answer..I don't want to listen. I only want to hear what I want to hear. That's when I realized..I need to fix somethings. I can't claim to worship Jesus and then not obey. Do I worship Him or the idea of Him?
All of that to say..it was an eye opening article for me. It humbled me...which is always good. Looking back over the texts..Jesus never told us to do anything..He always left it in our hands. If I obey God..then I can have God in ways that I never imagined..and He can have me..all of me.
Further, what I realized is that a lot of my faith is selfish. I mean..I pray for certain things so that I can exp _______. Whatever it is I am praying for...I don't honestly know that I have asked for something b/c I want God to know me that way. Most of my prayer life is selfish..I mean, even in helping the lost. I pray to be led to people..to "win them for Jesus" (which is good) but rarely do I take the time to disciple someone. He's in the business of saving people. He affords the grace of salvation..not me. What I am called to do is help people know Jesus more. Often times..I think that I have more important things to do...
Humility...that's what I am striving for..and boy am I recieving it. It's good..And I am grateful that He loves me enough to pull me aside and open my eyes...and say..see...you want this of me..I want this of you..And..I do want His will..whatever that looks like. No matter the cost, no matter the sacrifice.

Father, show me what that looks like. Thank you for showing me areas that I am not so faithful in. Thank you that you would love me enough to continue to rebuke me and thank you for allowing me to see...

You're Gonna Be Worth It

2006-04-19T10:45:00.000-07:00

There is this song called Worth It All...here is part of the lyrics

I don't understand your ways
Oh but I will give my song give you all of my praise
you hold on to all my pain
with it you are pulling me closer and pulling me into your ways
Now around every corner up every mountain
I'm not looking for crowns or water from fountains
I desperate in seeking, frantic believing that the sight of your face is all that I'm needing

That sums up the last few days for me. While I don't believe that He caused the pain of the last few days..I do believe He allowed it. The enemy is not greater than our Father...so with that..I understand He allowed me to endure the suffering that is coming to pass.
To recap...due to the procedure that I had a few weeks ago...I ended up in the ER three times this weekend due to the fact that every time I would stand up...blood would pour out of me like it was water. The first dr I dealt with just sent me home and said to lay down and I would be alright in a few days..he even said that I could have sex and run in 48 hours, lol. Incompetence to say the least. We went back to the ER Sat night b/c it was just getting worse. This time..the ER dr explained to me that they couldn't sew me up b/c my dr who performed the procedure wasn't in their network but that he could put a solution on it that could hold me over to Monday until I could get in to see my dr. Well, it didn't hold it. Ryan went and led worship at the church and left as soon as he was done, missing the sermon to take me back. I felt it was important that he did that. I wasn't dying, and honoring your commitments and your word are absolutely everything to me...so it was important to me that he do that. I know it killed him to leave me, but he also knew that if he didn't go alone, I would have prob mustered up the energy to go to church just so he would go..anyways, so we went to the hospital where my dr was apart of. They were very, very good. They gave me fluids since I had lost so much blood and got another dr in there from my dr's office and she stitched up the area. She also did a few other things to it and took a lot of time w/ me..it was a very painful exp as I was never given any pain medication..all the while..I thought how ironic..Easter weekend..I endure the loss of blood and pain...anyways..the stitch..didn't help. I started bleeding again Sunday night..went to my dr Monday morning and we finally got it stopped w/ 2 diff procedures. It's been a long few days. I've laid in a bed for the past 4 days..today is the 1st day that I have been up and moving a/r. I am at work and things are going well...I feel good..and finally feels like I am healing.
All of that to say..that song has been heavy on my heart and on my mind as I endured the last few days. I don't understand why this happened...we prayed and prayed..we asked many to pray w/ us and for us..over me...and nothing worked. Sunday morning, I lay on my face bawling just repeating, please help me Lord...I can't keep doing this...it was utter desperation. But..there He was..holding all of my pain as I frantically searched for Him. Spiritually, I am stronger now than I was prior to this...I can't be mad that it happened b/c of that. I can't question that. My God has provided in more ways than one..perfect timing...perfect trust. Had He answered me on Sat morning...I wouldn't have gone where I did to find Him. He's a perfect Father...a just God. And, I would endure it again to have me see Him the way that I do right now.

Change

2006-04-05T10:29:00.000-07:00

It's not something that I usually deal well with. Honestly, I usually have a hard time adapting to things that are different even when it's something that I am in favor of. I am a creature of routine. Every morning we get up, we read the word/newspaper together...eat our breakfast and drink our coffee. We get ready together and talk...and then head out for our day. I work out every day for lunch..now when one of those lil things get messed up...I get frustrated. (it's usually my workout may get pushed to later in the afternoon b/c of a meeting) I think it all goes back to my childhood...typically when something was changed...it usually was pretty bad for me. I was constantly pawned off as a child...that led to my sexual abuse and then later in life the changes ended up in my physical abuse that led to my move to Ohio. See...to me...change = no good. Usually was pretty tragic for me. So over the years I have become rather accustomed to routines. They became my security for a long, long time. I still desire routine and I'll make sure that when we have children that we have a pretty good one down for their sake. But, all of that to say..as you can imagine...I had concerns about FTBC. I was having to change my routine..my comfort zone for the past year or so and move on to something else that I wasn't even sure that I would like. However, in obedience...we went...and in just the few past weeks...it's been remarkable. Although my "routine" has been shaken to the core...it's been life changing.
There were a lot of things that I took for granted...the Branch was the smallest congregation I had ever been a part of. I have been rather spoiled I must say. The ironic part is...my faith is building more being in this small church that has almost nothing more than a building, a pastor, a worship minister...and a lot of love. I am being taught humility...I am being taught what it is to truly worship my Father. For so long I viewed worship as "praise and worship" when the bible tells us over and over again that worship is falling on our knees/face and being in awe. I just realized that our culture rarely worships in church. I see a lot of praising going on....rarely any worship. Here is what the word says about worship...Matthew 28:9 says, "And as they went to tell His disciples, behold, Jesus met them, saying, 'Rejoice!' So they came and held Him by the feet and worshiped Him." Revelation 4:10, tells us this about future worship, "The twenty-four elders fall down before Him who sits on the throne and worship Him who lives forever and ever, and cast their crowns before the throne, saying: "You are worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honor and power; for You created all things, and by Your will they exist and were created. "Matthew 2:11 says, "And when they had come into the house, they saw the young Child with Mary His mother, and fell down and worshiped Him."
That is just a few of the verses...but there it is..in the word...line after line...worship..falling on our knees, on our faces...man..I've missed that for so long. I honestly think that I have been guilty of being in places that has a great band/worship leader and a great pastor...and I was being emotionally stimulated by that more than I was at the awe of my Father. I have witnessed some incredibly strong believers at FTBC...who's hearts are totally sold out for Jesus. No talk..they rarely do that...you just listen to their lives...it's got Jesus all over it. It's changing my life...for as much as I thought FTBC needed us...I am learning that I may have needed them more.
Lord, continue to stir up so much awe for you that I can't do anything but fall on my face and worship you...

Redemption

2006-03-30T08:00:00.000-08:00

I have thought much about grace the past few weeks. I have been incredibly humbled over the grace that my Father has given to me. 1 Peter 5:10 says "The God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm, steadfast." What powerful words! I thank you for that restoration Lord! I feel like for the first time that those words are being made true in my own life.This week has been so good for Ryan and I. Everything at Faith Temple went well, he was voted in as their worship leader. We are excited about what the Lord has called us to. Sunday before I went up to the church..I was getting ready and running a/r and then I realized I hadn't prayed that morning and I looked at my watch and thought, well, I only have 10 minutes to pray..better than nothing..I got on my knees and then out of no where...the flood gates were open. As I approached my Father's throne...thanking Him for even the chance for Ryan and I to be considered for this...I lost it. I was just on my face weeping. This whole thing has been so humbling for me. Life changing in every sense of the word. I know that what I have I do not deserve. I know that I provoked our Father to His face time and time again and yet, He still loves me enough to provide in this way. I can't get over that...I really can't...and I pray that I never do.I am extremely excited about the opportunities at Faith Temple. The Lord has His hand on this church. It's really amazing and some really good things are going to take place. I am praying for those that are not sitting inside those walls. For the hearts that the Lord is pulling to Himself. Jesus said to go out and make disciples of men...how often have I been built up and kept it to myself? The Lord of of Lords...the King of Kings...I am in awe of you. I am in love with you...and I pray that I can take your word to the hearts of those that need you. South Irving, God is calling you

Gracie

2006-03-21T11:27:00.000-08:00

I was off from work today and I was cleaning...I felt like I needed to call this girl that I went to junior high and high school with. We were friends throughout school and we talked some after graduation...but it's been years since we've talked. Some of you have heard a/b her if you have heard my testimony. She was always a sweet, gentle spirit. She always had wisdom and understanding that I could never quite grasp. Looking back on it now, I understand. She was operating from the heavenly standards and I was operating from the world. She is really huge in my walk. She planted so many seeds in my life...she never judged me...she always loved me no matter what. She told me my senior year, I often wonder now if she remembers this...but she told me that "The Lord has great things in store in for you...when you are ready, He's waiting" Although I had no faith...or belief...I have remembered those words...and even in that moment...I knew that there was truth to what she was saying even though I wasn't "ready". Interesting choice of words she used too...I believe that He placed me in Ohio to meet her. I have always believed that. He took the abuse of my childhood and brought forth His glory...by leading me to Himself through people like her. I have always believed that there are two people who helped me...who prayed for me..my grandmother and Gracie...She never judged...she loved me with the same love of the Father. She never pushed her faith on me...she SHOWED me. There's a huge difference in saying you are a believer and living as one. Anyways, I felt for some time now that I needed to call her...to thank her and just tell her what has happened...that I did finally get saved. That her words were not in vain. She has no idea...well had. I called her...and the funny thing is...I was about to mop the floor and I felt the Lord telling me to call her and I really wanted to finish cleaning, but in obedeince I called and I was thinking...maybe I'll just get a voicemail, lol...but I didn't...and I am glad that I didn't. We spoke...and I got to say some things that I have needed to say to her for a long, long time. She said that she was glad that I hadn't called before, that she needed those words for today. She said that it was an encouragement and that she hopes that there are many more me's out there. "Faith comes byhearing" (Romans 10:17) We are all recipients of vicarious faith. Someone believed for me before I believed. I was prayed for before I knew to pray for myself. Every person's faith begins with the faith of someone else. If there is someone that you are praying for...don't lose heart. Continue to lift them up in prayer...
For you prayer warriors...please left Gracie up in prayer. She has always had such an admirable faith. An admirable walk. Pray for protection for her and her family (a husband and baby boy)
Lord, thank you...thank you for Gracie. For using her to plant seeds for me. Thank you for her life...for revealing your glory through her.

2006-03-14T13:48:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been an exciting few days. For those that don't know the outcome of Faith Temple, I'll post an except of an email Ryan sent out:

The past week has been incredible for Julie and Me. As many of you know we have been talking to a church in Irving about their Worship Minister position. Last Thursday night they called and essentially offered the position. We still have one more meeting with them tomorrow (Wed) to clear up any loose ends. Then on March 26th I will be leading worship for their Sunday service. Immediately after the service they will ask the members to vote and extend a call to Julie and I to become their Worship Minister. This is all very very exciting! We are already planning for our time there. Of course with this comes great responsibility (although it is only a Sun/Wed position), and even some nervousness. This is a huge step for us and we do not take it lightly. There are many more details we can share with you this weekend.

Anyways, there are more details that I'll get to in another post after we meet w/ Lewis (the pastor) again tomorrow. We need to finalize some things. I
Regarding the cell stuff...I've actually had a really hard time getting the nurses for the dr to schedule me an appointment. I need them to let me go in on Monday. She said that they don't have anything scheduled, but that the ONLY nurse who can schedule isn't in so they will call me back later in the week. Please pray that they will get me in so I can get this over with, otherwise I have to wait until April. Which is something I really, really don't want to do. I still believe I am already healed and ask that those prayers continue. Basically, I just don't want this hanging over my head any longer.
I realized over this weekend that Ryan and do not have green thumbs! We tried to remove a lot of stuff from our flower bed and plant some other things...didn't go over so well. Well, we got a lot removed...when we were planting stuff..Im down on my knees digging and Ryan takes this shovel full of dirt and tosses it behind him...right in my face. Yeah! I was like Ryan! So then he is walking and he steps right on that flower that I was planting! So....next time..we're hiring someone. We thought it would be fun..I like physical activity. Anything that burns calories...I'm a fan of...but this...no way. Not again. Too much work...and we stink at it!

A glimpse

2006-03-08T14:10:00.000-08:00

I wanted to copy an email from Ryan. I think it really shows his heart and I just wanted to tell him thank you. Thank you for who you are. For taking responsibility always and more importantly...for living the Word daily.
Here it is:

Okay I have been sitting here for about an hour contemplating what to do about my lunch. See I have to run and drop off our Dish package today and get stamps to send in our signed tax stuff. There is no way I could do that and go home to get my sandwich all in one hour. So I was trying to figure out some way to do it, but failed. So I had to buy a sandwich downstairs.

So I just want to apologize for forgetting my lunch. You work so hard to get up and make my sandwich half awake and I appreciate that so much. I am sorry for my forgetfulness and I will be better. I Just need to get back in the groove. I am also sorry I had to buy my lunch. That is not responsible of me and I know I am asking you to take your lunch so I dont want to contradict my own requests. ANYWAYS I am really sorry babe...I feel bad about it. Just know I appreciate you.

One week

2006-03-01T20:44:00.000-08:00

That's about the amount of time that we have until we hear from Faith Temple. Ryan talked to their pastor tonight, Lewis...he said that they have to interview a few more people b/c that's the right thing to do, but that so far, no one has come close to us. They feel that we have a lot of maturity, especially with how we view worship ministry. I say we b/c we had to interview together. Anyways, all of that to say...a lot of fear set in this evening. My prayer has been all along that it not be offered to us if it is not of God. When they called Ryan for us to come interview, they said that they have been praying over the resumes and Ryan's kept being brought to the top. I guess my biggest fear...losing some friends that we've made. Now, I know that most people will say no way..and in my heart I want to believe that's true. I've made some incredible bonds...and built some great friendships that I pray are the real deal. We discussed tonight staying at the Branch as our church and just "working" Faith Temple on Wednesday's and Sunday's. Faith Temple is everything we have prayed for..and he'd get a discount with his school. So that helps.
Interesting enough, I was reading about Malachi tonight and how when God gave him the words to speak to Israel they attempted to bury his words with less important prophets. Malachi talked about how as a priest (and I just relate that to ministry in general) you are held to higher standards and how you shouldn't cause people to stumble. How you should live the word. It pierced me then and more so now. Ministry is a huge responsibility.
We basically have a week from what Lewis said before they will know their decision. I ask that for anyone who is reading this that you please be praying for us...that if this is not of God that it not be offered up to us. I'm dedicated to His will only so I pray that if this is His will, please pray that I'll have peace and comfort w/ the move. I don't handle change all that well :) And more importantly from you guys...that our friendship will continue across town and across denominations.
Thank you Lord that you would even place us in a position to be considered as a voice for You.

Mullets

2006-02-27T06:41:00.000-08:00

I think that Ohio invented the Mullet. I never realized how many people have a mullet there until our trip. Our trip was good. It was good to finally let Ryan see all the things that I talk about. And to meet friends and see the ones that he has already met. It was good for me too...I often am reminded of my journey to find God there. Going back brings back a lot of memories of who I was-separated-and it makes me grateful for where I am but it also makes me really sad for those that are still stuck in that mess. My good friend Josh is anti-religion (notice I said anti-religion, not anti-God) but I really feel he's on the brink-he reminds me a lot of how I was the last couple of years rejecting Christ. In my heart, I know he's wanting to believe. Ryan said that he wants to apologize to Josh for all the things that Christians have said to him before as a lot of his hang ups are things that he's been told that just aren't true. So, please pray for Josh...through prayer...anything is possible.
On another note...I never really realized how hillbilly my hometown really is. We went to the bowling alley and saw lots of mullets, a lot of drunks, a lady in a tank top (keep in mind it's Ohio and winter..freezing outside) and she also has a headband on, those one you work out in. She took that bowling seriously I guess, lol. We saw a guy throw a chair, punch a chair and then throw his bowling ball more than half way down the lane. It was just very different. I enjoyed how much slower the life is there though...sometimes we get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of living in Dallas that our days are just flying by. There is a lot of simplicity there that I admire.
All in all, I had a great trip...can't say I'll be rushing back there..but it's always good to return to your roots...and be with the people who have always accepted you...no matter what. I pray that I can always accept them the same way and hopefully through my acceptance, Christ will shine through more than anything I could ever say or do...
.

Random....

2006-01-31T12:58:00.000-08:00

That's my head today...just jetting from thought to thought. I swear sometimes I have ADD. Anyways, thank you to those who have been praying for me. For those that don't know...I got some test results back...I had a pap...and they found pre-cancerous cells. Now, I wasn't totally surprised. Every woman on my mom's side of the family has had cancer and hysterectomy's...so I guess I wasn't expecting it this soon. Good thing is that we caught it before it became anything. Now, obviously I asked what that meant for kids...(she did assure me I'd be able to concieve) but I won't write it out b/c I am not going to speak curses on myself. So, if you all could just pray for a protection of my womb...that'd be awesome. Otherwise, things are good. Incredibly busy. As we went through the fall we were bombarded w/ wedding stuff and we're so busy so I thought once we were married...we'd have some time..and then we get married and go straight into the holidays...so I thought once we get into the new year THEN we'll have some time...ha...it's only gotten worse. We already have every weekend in Feb booked. I told Ryan we need to start to block off Friday nights for us for awhile until we get some consistency...although, I am learning that there is no consistencty once you really get into service.
We have to interview with Dare to Dream next week sometime...so I ask if you could also pray for the Lord's will to be done there. For those that do not know what I am talking about...Dare to Dream is an organization that works w/ local children's homes, shelters, and youth detention centers. They actually work w/ Buckner's Children's home...the one I was in many years ago. You basically just spend time w/ these kids...witnessing and bringing them to the Lord...you do get to form relationships and they will allow you to bring them to your own church as well if you feel led to. They said that the kids are pretty rough...but I feel like I can relate..I use to be there...so basically prayers for discernment. It's a great organization and it'd be great to be a part of it...but I want to make sure that we are walking perfectly in His will.
And then...for those that were at church when Ryan led already heard this, but Ryan has been addressed with leading worship at a multi-site. Again, prayers for discernment. We are comfortable at the Branch...we love the people a lot...and all the things that it offers...but it is also our desire to go into a church that is dead and help bring the spirit into it. There are so many church's across this world that are DEAD. So, basically, we don't want to get too comfortable and we also don't want to get ahead of God...so we're being patient and really trying to listen to Him. I mean, there have to be a lot of things to happen for the Branch to even get a multi-site up and running. But also, Ryan has talked to some other church's...we just don't know so for now...we're hanging out and just being still.
Otherwise, life is good. Even in the darkness, there is peace. There is joy...b/c I know who I am..I am a child of the one true God and I know that I am never alone...

Love in Action

2006-01-25T13:01:00.000-08:00

That was Jesus' life. He was love in action at all times. He was perfectly obedient even when it hurt (the cross) I find myself in a place that struggles to understand His will. I recognize that I have been under spiritual attacks the last couple of months. I've taken them all as compliments...I mean, if I wasn't doing something right then why would the devil even need to visit me? Last night, I was upset and was just grilling God...this morning I apologized and I was reminded of David..how in his heartache he cried out to the Lord with an honest heart. I feel like He appreciated the honesty as opposed to the facade that "I'm just trusting in the Lord" when at that moment, my heart was not.
In John 8:29 Jesus reveals the motive of his life and ministry...He loved the Father and always did what was pleasing to Him. Jesus' effectiveness was not because of His anointing or because His Father loved Him so, it was b/c of how much He loved His Father. That is what made His ministry effective. We are called to live out our lives as Christ did. Now, that doesn't mean being married to the church, or getting into service, or even being a bible scholar (which, all are good things) yet, our call is to love the Lord. With all of our heart, all of our hearts, and all of our minds.
So, as I face a bridge that I wasn't prepared for...as I am being slapped in the face with decisions that we weren't ready to make...I ask for prayers that Ryan and I abide in His perfect will and that we have perfect trust. That we continue to love our Father more than anything and not lose site of the fact that He is in control of all things and that He truly does not give us anything that we cannot handle.

I also forgot

2006-01-18T06:51:00.000-08:00

Well, not to rub in Lisa :) But, I also did forget to add this to the previous post...when Ryan got up me early...he also made my lunch and put a lil love not in there for me to get at lunch. I know, I know...isn't he just wonderful ;)
Anyways, so we had a great weekend and then we ended up not feeling well. So, we were off the last two days resting. Man, I just want to say that the Lord is really, really good. I shared my testimony, from beginning to end w/ a group this weekend for the first time. I kept telling myself all day not to be ashamed and then at the end they were praying over Ryan and I and laying hands on us and this guy during the prayer quotes a pslam about shame...The Lord is so faithful and He just never ceases to amaze me...Ever.
Ryan and I are in this anxious period. The Lord has been doing so much the last 4-6 weeks...Even w/ changing our hearts on something and it just excites me b/c I know that means that He has something in store. We can feel it..It's hard to be patient right now. But, I will sit and wait in expectancy.
I hope that you all are having a great week and may the Lord bless you all in abundance.

All in a day

2006-01-15T20:21:00.000-08:00

So, on Friday I had to be at work early. 6am to be exact which is pretty early for me. But, it's even earlier for Ryan. So, I get up and start to get ready a/r 5 and he was so sweet and woke up w/ me to talk to me while I got ready. Sacrificing his sleep to spend just a little bit of time with me. So, I go on to work and I get a ph call a/r 6:30 and he says "Are you ready?" "Am I ready" and he starts to sing this song called Good Morning Beautiful. Then, later in the day we're talking and we're getting ready to volunteer with this organization called Dare to Dream, on their website they have this quote that says "Perhaps once in a lifetime you meet somebody who makes you aware of becoming all that God intended in the beginning. This person who is led by Almighty God arouses within you an interest to develop the talents and abilities that God has given you. Be somebody...God doesn't take time to make a nobody" So, Ryan calls me and tells me to read it...He then says..Read it out loud. So, I do...And he says "You're my somebody"
I know I give snippets of what a good man he is...But I just wanted to give you a glimpse to what a NORMAL day looks like for me. He is so sweet...So thoughtful....And so giving. He's not selfish...Never has he been selfish w/ me....Or even w/ my time with others. If anything, he's always understanding and even encouraging of me building relationships. He daily is a reminder of Christ's love for me. This is what marriage is about. Seeing Jesus in my husband. Ryan lives out Christ's call for marriage daily. Do I think that this will change over time...honestly no. From the moment that Ryan truly fell in love with me...it's been like this. That is his heart. All relationships I have ever been in, I always met their rep (you know, the facade) and over time, things went from great to worse...With Ryan, it was we went from worse to just...incredible.
So, thank you Lord for this man...for his heart. Thank you for answering His cry when he asked you to change his heart. You changed it into a heart after you...a heart that resembles you...thank you for the daily reminder of your love that you show me through Ryan. I don't deserve either of you...

He Is Good

2006-01-11T16:47:00.000-08:00

Isn't the Lord just so good and so faithful? The past few weeks were hard on the spirit. Yet, in that, a lot of growth took place. So, in the end it was worth it. Ultimately, I am being molded into the woman He desires me to be. I am called to serve. Man, that's where my heart is...with people. I've done a lot of thinking about that over the last few weeks. Having Ryan as my husband makes it so easy as well. I know my husband is walking in the spirit. I have brought things up to him that I know that he doesn't nec see eye to eye with me, but all I have to say is the Lord is putting it on my heart and he never questions it. I admire that he doesn't question my convictions and he realizes that they are just that..mine. Even if he doesn't agree, he is well aware of the fact that our walks do not always look alike and honestly, they shouldn't! I realized today how lucky I was to have him...well, really every day I think that..but more so now. The Lord is making some moves, having me take a step out in faith and Ryan has encouraged me the whole way and helped me every step of the way. That's what marriage is about. I found someone who understands that we're not here to please ourselves - we're here for the Lord and we're trying very hard to live that.
I feel rather anxious right now. Honestly, I know that a move is coming of some sort. I don't know exactly what yet, I just feel it. So, please be praying for us. Pray for discernment. A lot of things are good things, and some things look good and look like God, but aren't. We don't want good or better...we want God...His will...and His will only. I think we've made enough mistakes in our lives, we're learned that we can't do it on our own. We're surrending, our white flag is up...we're with you Lord.
Also, I've been rather defined most of my whole life by people...surroundings...circumstances. Not anymore..I've relinqueshed a lot. I'm only defined by what I believe and I believe in Christ. There I am! I am nothing more and nothing less.
The Lord is amazing...people...all people are amazing. They all have a story to tell. And it's time that we stop and listen....
Father, I'll give my last breath for your glory.

Greater Works

2006-01-02T14:17:00.000-08:00

The bible says in John 14:12 "He who believes in me, the works that I do he will do also; and greater works than these he will do, because I go to My Father." The Lord has placed a heavy burden on my heart. And over the course of the past few days mighty revelations have come my way. Smith Wigglesworth, a great man of faith who raised over 20 people from the dead said "God has prevailed us in Christ Jesus to live above the ordinary human plane of life. Those who want to be ordinary and live on a lower plane can do so, but as for me, I will not." For anyone who has spoken to me recently, you have heard something very similarly from me so when saw this, I stopped dead in my tracks. Ryan and I spent New Year's in a Pentecostal Revival and for anyone who does know us, you know that was God ordained as my previous posts spoke, I was pretty against these things. God is so good at proving us wrong. Although, this preacher did state the same things that I did in my post and he too holds the concerns that I have, so it also reiterated that my feelings are God breathed. The whole night, I received confirmation after confirmation. First and foremost, on family. How important those relationships are. I often neglect my own because we do not share faith in Jesus and in recent weeks, my family has fallen apart and I have been deeply burdened for them. I will speak more on this in a later post, but for now...the most important thing is this...Eternity. I need to do everything with the purpose of being eternity driven or I need not to do it at all. I feel that the Lord is taking me to a deeper level, a deeper intimacy...a place that I have yet to see with Him. I desire to be burdened for people. I desire to have a heart for the sick, the poor, the lost. I want to win souls. I told Ryan that it is my desire for us to be a walking ministry. I jokingly said, Christopher Ministry, saving one soul at a time...but, really, I am not joking. I don't care about big, glamorous things. Just one by one. For every soul that is saved, Jesus and the angels cry out in heaven and exclaim that one has been brought home. I desire for Christ to work through me. I want no credit, only credit given to Jesus. I know as long as we do not take our eyes off of Him, so much will be accomplished.

2006 - I dedicate this to you My Lord

2005-12-28T10:34:00.000-08:00

I don't know if I'll get to this before this year comes to an end, so I wanted to make sure that I got a moment to post some thoughts. What incredible 2005 for me. It was full of changes. It was full of God. Ryan and I were talking the other night and I said, it's so crazy to think that when we started 2005 that we were not engaged, not talking marriage and here we are now...married. It was a God thing. For reasons yet to be seen, our marriage was important. And I pray that one day, as we look over the course of our lives, we will understand. 2005 also brought to an end a 7 1/2 years of living w/ Lisa. That's a long time. I think it's important to acknowledge this b/c our journey is so important to where I am today. The Lord knew I needed to come back here...but He also knew I wouldn't do it alone...so He picked Lisa...we moved together and we found God together. And it's been an incredible journey. I wouldn't be who I am today w/o her and so Lisa..thank you for an incredible journey. And please know, that although our journey has changed...you will continue to be just an important piece as you have always been. You are a great woman of God whom I admire and I am honored to have your friendship.
April, 2005 the Lord brought us to the Branch. I often think a/b that b/c it hasn't been all that long and yet, in a lot of ways, it seems so much longer. The Lord worked the first day we were there He drove home Ryan's calling. Thank you Father for taking that last layer from his eyes and making it abudantly clear what it is you would have for him. I have watched Ryan grow so much since then and it just solidifies that calling. I have never seen Ryan love God and the ministry as much as I do now.
November 2005, Lord thank you for joining me with Ryan. I am humbled and I promise to take good care of him and to show him love as you would and do Father.
I dedicate 2006 to you. Take the things from me that I view as strenghts and you see as weaknesses from me this year. Humble me in the areas of my life where I need humbled. Continue to manifest yourself in our lives and continue to open up doors for Ryan and his ministry. Please start preparing our hearts for the place that you shall call us to..give us your wisdom to know what opportunites are of you, and you alone Lord. Father, please continue to mold my husband into the man that you would have him be. Continue to remove the parts that are not pleasing and give me the strength to support him as he continues to grow into your likeness.
Thank you Lord for 2005...I love you and I pray that my love will grow and manifest day by day in 2006.

His sensitivity

2005-12-16T07:26:00.000-08:00

Honestly, I have one of the most sensitive men out there. He never ceases to amaze me how big his heart is, his love for the Lord, for people and his love for me. We went to this Christmas show at the church we were married in this past weekend. His sister was in it as well as his brother in law and some other friends that we have. He has a friend who's grandpa was a pastor and he passed away. He and his wife were living in a different town, so when he died..his wife moved to Arlington with her daughter. She's in her late 70's..So starting over for her had to be hard. We got in the explorer to go meet his parents for dinner after the show and Ryan says "I really hate to admit this as it sounds like I am such a girl, but when I saw Huntley's grandma standing there singing I started to tear up and get choked up. I thought of how she lost her husband, had to move to a big city. How she had to start over, and yet, there she is..still singing in church functions. She prob isn't any good..but she's there" He then proceeds to say "I hope that I can be like her some day"
I have thought a lot about that conversation..while it was incredibly sweet what he said and how he said it..what I think about the most is how his desire is to serve the Lord. I keep seeing Hunt's grandma..and thinking of what a vision she is for me to hold on to. I too pray that Ryan and I will be that..that we'll keep on trucking for the Lord and waiting for our time to go on home and be with our Savior..to be with my Savior. My precious Jesus..whom I love. Who loves me..unconditionally.
I was praying for Ryan this morning and I was thinking of how my sweet friend Holly told me it was a priviledge to pray for your husband..and it truly is..It's an honor I can't explain.

If only....

2005-12-09T06:51:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking about this for quite sometime and have just now decided to put my thoughts down for others to see. Now, before I start this..I want to clarify something. I do not disagree with "charasmatic worship" or events. I do have some concerns with it, and I want to put those out there. So, before I get any posts a/b how I am misguided..I want to say, I don't think that it's wrong..here are some concerns that I have personally. What first concerns me a great deal, is that people go to these things assuming that everything there is of God. That all expereiences are of the Lord..and I sit and I think a/b how Jesus talks a/b how people were casting out demons in His name..and doing all these things in His name..but were not followers.
What makes the Charismatic movement especially worthy of concern is that Charismatics hold a great deal in common with other Christian bodies. All are followers of Christ, have access to the Holy Spirit; come together with others to worship, study, and serve. They truly love Jesus, the Scriptures and are sincere. They believe in the authority of the Word of God, the deity of Jesus Christ, His sacrificial death, His physical resurrection, salvation by faith and not works, the need to live a life of obedience, and to proclaim their faith. They really believe in their approach, but many of them are like the Jews of whom Paul said,
"For I can testify about them that they are zealous for God, but their zeal is not based on knowledge." [Romans 10:2]
I am concerned that this movement tends to create a sort of "easy believism." Some who are involved in the movement focus more on signs and wonders than they do on the Word of God. As a result, they are tossed to and fro by whatever popular doctrine is preached that week with no real foundation in the whole Word of God.
The corrupt spirit of Corinth had permeated the church. The Christians had become carnal, worldly, indulgent, selfish, contentious, vengeful, proud, and compromising. Almost everything that was characteristic of the society had been picked up by the church. They even perverted their own spiritual behavior into pagan-like religion - twisting spiritual gifts away from the Spirit and operating them in the flesh. All these things were evidence of the absence of the one thing needed: love. Love is not a feeling or an emotion. It is a spirit of self-sacrifice. It is a willingness to met another's need - even if it means sacrificing something we need or possess.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. [1 Corinthians 13:8-12]
For many Evangelicals, Christianity has become "signs and wonders," or "falling under the power," or laughing uncontrollably. Others offer a Christianity designed to appeal to the worldly minded and to be inoffensive to sinners: church services and Christian TV that out-glitz Hollywood; or the excitement of 50,000 men cheering Jesus in a packed football stadium. For others it's the quest for self-esteem and a "positive self-image," probing the unconscious for past abuses suffered that excuse present unbelief and carnality; or quietly carrying on a conversation with an imaginary "visualized Jesus." There is an overwhelming presumption by the supporters of these phenomena that it must be of God because of what they perceive to be the "blessings" people are experiencing. Since the Scriptures warn us that Satan appears as an angel of light and his ministers as deceptive ministers of righteousness (2 Cor. 11:14-15), short-term "positive" results prove nothing. The only true basis for discerning whether or not God is behind these alleged revivals is the test He commands:
"To the law and to the testimony! If they do not speak according to this word, they have no light of dawn." [Isa. 8:20]
Now again, I don't totally disagree with this movement. I think everything is good in moderation. And, what I mean in that is I don't agree with people who go to these things to "experience God" and who does not pratice the obedience and the disciplines that we are called to. I think some people go to these things to "feel God" and then justify in their minds "well, If I ahve these experiences, then I must be doing something right" and then going back into the world and living in the world..which we are called not to do. We are called to go into it, but not be apart of it. What God desires is our love..our affection..not in a situation that is CREATED to bring forth these emotions..but in the very times that you are sitting alone..by yourself when no one can see.
Again, I don't disagree with it..I just feel that some people should spend as much time becoming obedient to God as they do pursuing these Godly highs..think of how powerful our body of believers would be.

Freedom

2005-12-05T12:44:00.000-08:00

Five years ago had you asked me what that word meant to me, I would have given you some generic secular definition. The word to me now...wow..it's hard to really put it into words. I think that there is freedom in marriage and had you told me that before I was married, I would have laughed at the notion and asked why don't you have freedom now..yet, there is something so powerful about marriage..God given a/b it..that until you experience it, I could never do it justice by trying to portray what that looks like. And maybe I am little more sensitive to this since I truly feel like curses are broken in my family b/c of my marriage. That my family tree is forever altered..for God! The devil didn't take my branch.

A perfect day

2005-11-13T15:46:00.000-08:00

That's the way that I'd describe the wedding. It went so smoothly and effortlessly once the day arrived. I was so nervous about certain situations and I thank you prayer warriors that prayed for not only Ryan and I, but my family and also that the Lord be glorified. Praise be to Him for all that occured that day but also for the peace that abounded that church that day. It was a peace that could only have come from Christ Jesus.
The honeymoon was awesome and Cabo was just beautiful. I was not ready to come home to the demands of this world, but I have realized today that while the rest was needed, I have a job to do and that it would be selfish of me to want to stay away. That I am commanded to evangalize to the world and fulfill my purpose for Him, whatever that may be. Marrying Ryan was an act of obiedience for me and was just a step in what His desires are for my life. I love Ryan, believe me I do, very much, but if you aren't familiar with the beginning of our story, then perhaps one day we'll have to discuss it. But, I am honored that the Lord chose me for Ryan but also that He chose Ryan for the path that He has. And, I pray that Ryan and I will be obedient to His call and to His will for our lives. Ryan put a note on the fridge that says "obedience brings joy" and I am learning a lot more about that now. Please pray for us, that we will learn what it is to be truly obedient to Him and His call. The bible says that we will stand before the Lord and face judgement, that we will have to give an account for our lives..good and evil. The greek term for evil also means trivial things. Hmm..that was a little convicting. I do sometimes fill my days with trivial things..all the while the Lord is kindly sitting by waiting for me to choose Him to be with. Please pray that my days will no longer be filled with meaningless things, but only the things that are pleasing and glorifying to Him.
Christ Jesus, thnk you for choosing me. For initiating a relationship with me and seeking me as you did. Teach me to love you as you love me...you gave your life for me..let me give mine for you..daily..In Jesus Name

Thought for the Day

2005-09-29T11:55:00.000-07:00

Thought for the day: ÂThe reason many people are not growing is because they are not sowing. They are living self-centered lives. Unless they change their focus and start reaching out to others, they will probably remain in that condition.ÂJOEL OSTEEN

Amen to that. I was talking to Ryan last night about service. About helping people and how often times we start out with all these visions of how we are going to change the world, yet, often times it is through service that the world changes us. And perhaps that is why we are called to serve. I know that after I volunteer, I usually don't leave feeling good. I usually leave with a sadness. Sadness for people-and yet, a greater appreciation for my life. I am getting ready to volunteer at a place called Alcove Vogel Day Car Center in Dallas. It's a place where children go who are homeless. I was told yesterday to be prepared, that during their music time a lot of the children break down in tears b/c they are safe.
I am going to be in prayer b/w now and the time I am scheduled which is Oct 19th and I ask everyone to please be in prayer for me as well. I would love to share the gospel with a child who is hurting like that. I would love to be able to give them hope. I use to be in similarar situation, not homeless, but a children's home..so my heart is and will always be with kids like this. And, I pray that I can give back to what was given to me.

Death, What a Wonderful Way To Explain It

2005-09-22T07:04:00.000-07:00

A sick man turned to his doctor, as he was preparing to leave the examination room and said, "Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side." Very quietly, the doctor said, "I don't know." "You don't know? You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the other side?" The doctor was holding the handle of the door; on the other side came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness. Turning to the patient, the doctor said, "Did you notice my dog? He's never been in this room before. He didn't know what was inside. He knew nothing except that his master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in without fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing... I know my Master is there and that is enough."

I am honored

2005-09-20T12:01:00.000-07:00

I am honored to serve the one and only living God. I was on my way to work this morning thinking about how I don't deserve the opportunity to serve Him. Yet, that is what is so amazing about His love. He loves me that much, that despite of my sin, He loves me. And, He doesn't ask anything of me other than my love. It took me a long time after I became a believer to REALLY in love with Him. I guess when I got into it, I feared Him more than I loved Him. Over time, I fell in love. And in that, my life was changed. My heart changed. And, I began to see the Lord as my friend and confidant. That all He wanted was for me to want to hang out with Him. Nothing more and nothing less. He just wants all of me.
This blog is dedicated to the Lord. To my savior. It's an opportunity for me to put my thoughts down and let others see what is going on in my life at this moment so people know how they can be in prayer for me.
Lord, I thank you for all that you have done in my life. For setting me free! I deeply desire to serve you Father, and you alone.